God Brought Me Through It

In the time between the last blog, lots has happened. I’ve had the stem cell harvest, my first chemo treatment, blood & platelet transfusions, and am now at home on a break before my next chemo treatment.

The stem cell harvest process was boring, just like my psychologist told me. I took a book (thanks Rachel Moore), my phone (for music), a couple magazines, and some dvd’s. Mom and I ended up watching Narnia together over a couple of nights. One of the side effects I had during the harvest was my feet and hands would get really tingly. Like when something falls asleep on your body. When I felt that, I had to eat a handful of TUMS. They worked. The stem cell harvest process started on my birthday, May 16 and was supposed to take as long as needed to get the 10 millions stem cells required. It took my 2 days for all those to be collected. Answered prayer right there that I didn’t haven’t to stay in the hospital for a week just for that. Now I don’t remember the placing of the catheter for this process. I had two plastic tubes sticking out of the left side of my neck. I couldn’t really straighten my head because of how it was taped, so it was pretty uncomfortable. I DO remember when they took it out. That hurt quite a bit. It felt like the doctor was putting his thumb in a hole in my neck. He probably was to stop bleeding or whatever. Ugh ... don’t like to think about it. God brought me through it. :)

Between the stem cell harvest and chemo, I went to the dentist and had a disappointing appt. It was found that I have 10 surface cavities. My own fault. I had not been to the dentist since I’d been married. I knew better. At least they’re all surface and easy to fix. Also, while at the dentist, we were told about a mouthwash called Mugard. I would swish or swallow if that’s where pain was for a minute. It’s supposed to be a help with one of the chemo’s side effects of your mouth swelling and essentially being burned. Mouth blisters and stuff like that. This Mugard wash is supposed to coat my mouth and protect it from all that rough stuff happening. I had a taste of that with radiation and it was pretty painful. It was very difficult to eat because of pain when swallowing. So even with a dentist visit that revealed way more that I wanted ... God brought me through it. :)

Next was the first chemo treatment Tuesday, May 22. I went in the night before to be admitted. The next day we started and they gave me the “big guns” with the nausea medicine. Man did that stuff work. I asked them why they couldn’t give it to me all the time since it worked so well. The doctor said it was because they wouldn’t have anything stronger to give me if I was feeling even more sick. It was supposed to last 5 days. I have 3 more doses of the 3 different kinds of chemo. After that, I should be done! Through the weight loss, I’ve still been able to eat. God has brought me through it. :)

I went in for some labwork last Friday thinking, “Oh, I’ll go in and then come home and start my weekend.” Not the case this time. My white blood cell count is almost not detectable, which is normal, according to my oncologist. Still kinda scary hearing your body has nothing to fight anything off. So now is the time I have to be SUPER careful around anyone with the sniffles or has been sick. Especially Jonathan. As a result of a   .1 white blood cell count showing up, I had to have 2 units of blood and 1 unit of platelets. That was an all day process. We arrived at the lab at 8:30 and didn’t leave until around 5:00. Totally wasn’t expecting that which meant I didn’t bring anything to pass the time. I’m learning how to fall asleep sitting up more and more. My nurse was wonderful. She reminded me of a sweet woman I grew up with, so that helped my anxiety. She brought me a pillow and blanket and was just great. She had to take my vitals it seemed like every 5 minutes. It was probably more like 10-15. I felt so much better as I was leaving then when I had come in. Getting blood was what I needed most I guess. Maybe it was the platelets. Let’s just say both. I joked with Andrew in sending him pictures each time saying I was getting pineapple juice and and strawberry daquiri. Ugh ... I don’t wanna talk about that anymore either. I learned boredom on a whole new level! Mom was with me the entire time and helped me in whatever way she could making me comfortable. God brought me through it. :)

So that’s why I have the title of this blog God brought me through it. A lot has happened.

My next treatment should be around the end of the month. I’ll keep you posted when it gets closer.

Here are some new things to pray about ...
Weight gain - I still need to gain weight. Every lb. is essential. I’m at 100 right now, I need to be a little bit more. With nutrition, not with fluid.
Digestive system to work the way it should. Just being real with y’all. With nausea and constipation together, it makes for a pretty miserable feeling. Makes it hard to do a lot of stuff.
Thank God for my Momma being here and doing so much. Oh ... and for my family that allows me to have her. I love them in a new way because of this.
Thank God for Andrew’s boss being so understanding with all of this medical stuff. She’s been great with letting him come be with me or watch the baby to give Mom a break.
Jonathan - he’s been acting out a lot lately. I know he’s only 1 and 1/2, but a whiny baby all day is tough to rest with. I’m sure he’s just thrown off with all this stuff going on.
GSF shots - every night, Mom has to give me a shot (you guys know how I LOVE needles). I dread it each time. But God helps us both. I can’t imagine what she’s going through with having to give them knowing how I feel about it. We always pray afterward. Pray that these really boost my counts.

Home for Mother's Day!

Surgery went well on Friday. I told Mom and Andrew I was asking God to help me get out of there by Saturday sometime. Well, we left the hospital Saturday evening. All God. Something that's never happened with surgery before is now different parts of my face are swollen. The surgeon said it's pretty normal and should go down with time. The swelling happened because of the way he had me laying on the table?! So right now, I look like Quasi Modo (totally not joking), which might turn into a black eye later and the right side of my face looks like someone punched me. Well my whole face looks like that right now. I can see out of my left eye just fine, but by looking at it you'd probably think I couldn't. It's almost closed.

Another challenge is I'm having a hard time eating. Not because my throat is scratchy or hurts, because it does, from the breathing tube. I'm feeling nausea all the time and can only take zofran 3 times a day. So annoying because I'm losing weight again. :( I guess I'll have to start drinking ensure again! Ugh!!

Something else that I'm not sure if Mom has posted on FB, but I now have to have growth factor shots twice a day, in my belly. The poke isn't bad, it's the medicine going in. It stings. I just hold Andrew's hand and breathe through it. Oh, and Mom has to give it to me. I feel so bad for her. Most of you might know how much I hate needles. I'm much better than before, when I was a little girl. I wouldn't have an anxiety attack, but I'd be pretty close. I have passed out just hearing people talk about them. Mom used to be a nurse back in the day, so I wanted her doing it over Andrew. So yesterday in the hospital, I had my first GFS. I had a nurse do it. I've had shots in my belly before and the pole didn't really hurt at all, just the medicine going in. I asked the nurse to take it slow. She didn't know I meant quick poke, slow injection. Therefore I felt all of the needle going in AND the sting of the injection. Mom had her first one last night and was pretty nervous. Like ready to cry, nervous. They key to the poke not hurting too bad is to grab enough skin. Well, with my weight loss, I don't have much there. She grabbed some, poked and then realized she didn't have enough. She had to get more skin to pinch and did it again. So I just squeezed Andrew's hand and started breathing through the pain. It's not excruciating, but I was trying not to tense up. Then she was done. I told her how much I was proud of her, since I know doing this for me is incredibly hard and thanked her. She said "I can't say you're welcome yet." So please pray for my sweet Mom. This is so hard for her.

I have those shots twice a day. 8 and 8. Tomorrow will be the first one without Andrew's hand to hold and squeeze. I know I can do ALL things through Christ.

That's the update for now. Surgery is complete ... finally :) and this coming week is full of appointments.

I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day. I know I'm super grateful for my Momma. Oh how I love her.

This month is packed full!

Tomorrow begins a very busy rest of the month. I'll be on my way the hospital in the morning around 4:45 and start the in processing of all the surgery stuff. Saturday, I begin my growth factor shots.(Pray for Mom, she's nervous about giving them to me.) I think I'll have those 2-3 times daily in my belly.

Monday, I have this group (sort of like a support group) called Look Good, Feel better from 10-12. Then it's off to another doctor at 2:30.

Tuesday evening sometime, I have to be admitted the the hospital to get ready start the stem cell harvest. The next day, they'll actually do the harvest.

Thursday, I'm hoping I can go to my support group. I know there will be times I miss it.

Then on the 21 or 22, we'll start chemo and then a lupron shot comes later.

See? I told you it's packed. I'm sure there will be lots of labs in between, like every 3 days. I'm not sure how long I'll be in the hospital each time after chemo. At the end, I'll include new ways to pray.

Lately ... well for just about 3 weeks, since my surgery was postponed 3 times, I've been asking God to give me the same courage He gave David, Gideon, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Daniel, Esther, Joshua & Caleb, the disciples, and even Jesus. I feel like I need that kinda courage going into this next phase and pretty much the whole time. I know those names above are probably not in the right order with the way they came up in the Bible. I know the Lord will give it to me because He has up to this point. He's my Provider of ALL things!

New ways to pray:
- Even though I'm resting in the peace of Jesus before all this happens, the human side of me creeps in sometimes and my anxiety goes up. I guess that means I'm not resting huh?
-The stem cell catheter that will be put in my neck. Lots of people tell me that there isn't much pain involved; but since I had that port put in, I don't take anyone's word. So pray that it's not too painful. Or that it's not nearly as painful as the port procedure.
- Growth Factor shots - the doctor said we need 10 million. More would be better. So prayer for 15 million! Hey God can do it!!
- Stem Cell Harvest - I've been told it's a long boring process because you just sit there and let the machine do the work. I have a great book I'm reading and I have my iphone for music.
- Dr. Davidson - surgeon that will be operating on my tomorrow. (& nurses too!)
- My weight - I keep going up a couple and then I lose it. It's pretty frustrating. Please pray that I can continue to gain more weight. I need every pound.
- my stays in the hospital will be short.

That's all I can remember now. God answers prayers!! Let's see how He answers these!! I claim Jesus is my Healer!!

Support in New Friends

Today, I went to my very first ever Support Group. We sat and talked about our journeys with cancer. I wasn't crazy about going at first because I don't like talking in groups of people I don't know, no matter what the size. I'm a one-on-one kinda person with counseling or venting. I learn a lot from listening to others and taking notes.

I saw in a group of 9 women, including myself, as we introduced ourselves, shared what type of cancer we were fighting, where we were in our fight (diagnosis, what kind of treatment, etc.), and finally any questions about today's topic of discussion - communicating with your doctors and nurses. 

I have always thought you just go in to a doctor's office or the hospital and let them do whatever because they always know best. Today, I learned that is not always the case. Not that I lost confidence in all doctors, but the importance of speaking up on my own behalf. Being my own advocate. Here are some important things I learned ...

- I can ask as many questions as I want. I shouldn't worry about taking up my doctor's time because he or she has someone else more important to see.

- If I know something doesn't work for me, then say it. They aren't in my body and do not feel what I'm feeling. 

- Write your questions down. It's ok to take someone with you or write things down.

- If your doctor doesn't know something about what you're feeling, they can't help.

- Be your own advocate - you can and should speak up

It was nice to be surrounded by other women who are going through the same stuff. Even though the majority of women in the group either was being treated for and completed treatment for breast cancer, I often saw us shaking our heads at similar comments or questions.

At the end of the session, when we were leaving, one of the ladies stopped me and asked me what I was having done for surgery. I explained everything to her. She had a really neat cap on so I asked her where she bought it. I have one, but this one was like a breathable beanie. She took it off and said, "Here, take mine. I have lots of others at home." I was shocked that she just gave me her hat. She was fine with walking out of the hospital with a bald head. She asked me if I'd lost all of my hair yet and I took my cap off to show her I still had these fuzzy hairs that were just hanging on. She laughed and then helped me put my cap back on. As we were walking out, I told her she was my blessing for the day. :) Her spontaneous generosity blew me away. I know God will give me an opportunity in the future to bless someone else.

I didn't have my surgery on Friday because some wounded soldiers were in need of it more. So the new surgery date is May 11. For all of you who prayed, thanks. I'm looking forward to a week that isn't full of appointments. Now I KNOW I'll be 100% for surgery on that day.

Scan Results

Yesterday I only had one appointment, but after leaving, I felt as though I had spent all day at NIH seeing doctors and doing scans. Emotionally I'm exhausted. The appointment yesterday was to hear the final plan for chemo and what it all entailed. I still can't even type about it without having tears fall.

Dr. Wroblewski (doctor I'm not crazy about) was the one who presented ... again. The plan for my chemo regimen is the same as before (see the post from my Mom's point of view) but at a lower dose. Instead of being in the hospital for 4 months straight, it will be a 28 day regimen with the first 4 days in the hospital. Before starting chemo, if I decide to, I will have my stem cells harvested for later use if mine completely go down hill. It's a precaution that Dr. Fine (chief oncologist at NIH) was in favor of. Skipping ahead to this Friday ... I'll have the surgery to replace my current shunt with another one. Next Wednesday, I start shots 2-3 times a day that are supposed to help boost my stem cell growth in preparation for the stem cell harvest. They need 10-12 million. So there's something to pray for! So after all the harvest, the chemo process can start. Good news is I don't have to have the port changed out. A lot of stuff can be done through the one I have. However, they do have to put some sort of catheter in my neck for the stem cell harvest. I've asked what to expect pain wise on that procedure but I don't feel like she gave me a clear answer. Please pray I don't have to feel the same amount of pain that I did when the port was put in. That hurt really bad.

After hearing the final plan, I cried ... a lot. Part out of fear of what's coming. The other part of me was asking God how much more desperate do you want me? I feel like I'm at my limit. I know His Word says He'll never give us more than we can handle. I'm feeling pretty dang close! After a good cry on Mom's shoulder, kisses and hugs from Andrew, and a nap, I'm feeling confident that God is going to help me. I just want to get started and get this all done and over with. I wore my Just Do It shirt to my appointment today, but wanted to rip it off by the end. I didn't feel I was strong enough to take on one more thing. I didn't feel like I could do anything else. I was starting to feel very alone. I know I have my sweet husband and Mom, but I'm the one sitting in the bed, being stuck lots, losing my hair, dealing with other side effects, etc.

Today, I had a follow up appointment with the radiation oncologist. I told the nurse about everything I was feeling with nerves growing back and all that. Both she and the doctor said it's normal and that chemo will bring some new side effects, as well.

Even in this time where the future looks pretty scary and exhausting, God is still good. Right now, it's moment by moment that spiritual warfare is raging. It has to be, because I'm feeling it strong. One moment I feel like ... OK, let's do this. Get started and get it over with. Then the next moment I'm  crying tears of fear. Now I KNOW in my heart that Jesus will walk with me through each step of this trial too. He's not going anywhere. He's known this chemo plan the whole time and I need to rest in confidence that He's got my back the whole way.

Things to pray for this coming week ...
- Group therapy on Thursday - I'm not one to open up in front of groups of people I don't know, so please pray I will speak when I need to. I think we'll meet once a month. I know it will be good for me to be able to talk with and listen to others that are exactly where I'm at in so many ways.
- Surgery on Friday - pray that I'm feeling 100% so we can go on with the surgery. Any other delays will put off chemo and we don't want that. Also recovery. That I'll only be in the hospital for 2-3 days. 
- my nerves - I think I have white coat syndrome. I don't even like going to the hospital for Jonathan's appointments. I can feel my blood pressure go up as soon as we get in the parking garage. It's annoying. I really do appreciate those who work in the hospital and I'm thankful I have a place to go in emergency situations.

Okay, that's it for now. Next week I'll update everyone before we start growth factor shots and the stem cell harvest. My psychologist from radiation talked with me today and put me at ease about a lot that goes into that procedure. She said it's pretty boring, just sitting there for hours while the machine removes blood, takes what is needed, and then puts it back in the body.

Thank you for your encouragement in prayer. It is so nice to know how many people around the world are lifting me up. I need that when I'm feeling like I can't stand. You are all a part of my healing!

Arrest made & no surgery, yet

Great news everyone. After another attack last night, at 9:00 pm, a young man was arrested. Police are pretty sure this is the same guy from all of the other attacks. I'm not sure of further details, but this is the only one I cared about. That whoever was doing it is now in custody of the police. I have never been gripped by fear as I was last night. It's hard to explain. The devil knows that I am struggling with fear the most right now and he was hitting me with everything he could. I couldn't write about it without crying. I'm praising Jesus now and I will be praying for mine & my family's safety in a whole new way now. Thank you for praying!!

Surgery didn't happen this morning as planned. We were debating whether or not to go through with it because the long week with NIH wore me down and I caught a cold from Jonathan. I went to see my PCM (family doctor) to see what he recommended. He didn't want to tell me either way because he didn't want anything on him. He did suggest that if I was still feeling achy, sore throat, and ear tenderness/pain, to just ask to reschedule. It wasn't worth it to go under anesthesia and come out and try to fight off being sick AND heal from a surgery. So, that's what we did. We got up this morning at 3:30 to do the surgery prep wipe down, left by 4:30 for the hospital and was in the chair ready to start an IV. I told them of course that I didn't want to be stuck unless I was for sure going into surgery. Well, they had to take blood to check levels to see how sick I was. One poke. It wasn't that bad. The nurse was great. I told him, "I'm not trying to be ugly, but you've only got one try before I ask for another nurse." He laughed and understood. So I talked with the surgeon and he said we'd reschedule for the same reasons the PCM said for next Friday.

Monday, we have an appointment at 10:00 with my oncologist, Dr. Wanko and Dr. Wroblewski (the one I'm not fond of and do not trust) At that time, we should learn my chemo regimen. Dr. Fine gave us the recommended doses and all that. He never wanted me to do the plan that was presented by Dr. Wroblewski. The creator of that protocol also didn't want me to do that chemo plan at those high doses. He suggested the lower doses. Andrew's already got his fighting gear on and is ready to fire if need be. Mom has been ready since the Dr. Wroblewski appointment lol.

My week coming up isn't quite as full as last week. I'm going to try my best to rest and get to feeling lots better so I can get this surgery done and over with.

Thanks again for the prayers for everything. God answers prayers ... He's so good to me!!!!

Get on your knees

Tomorrow morning at 5:30, I plan to be at the hospital getting ready for surgery at 7:30. The last couple of days I've been feeling pretty crummy. The run around yesterday didn't help at all. Surgery tomorrow includes shunt removal and replacement with different kind and spinal tap. I think that's all. No port replacement at the time. I should be able to use the one I have. We weren't able to meet with my oncologist today, but I DO have an appointment for Monday that will give us the final details of when chemo will begin and all that. I have what chemo drugs they'll be using and dosage amounts but we'll see what the doctor says and who will be administering it.

This afternoon, when I turned the tv on, the local news station mentioned of 3 attacks within 26 hours of each other about 8 miles up the road. All who were attacked were walking alone. The first one they are unsure of the time of attack, but the man was found dead at 6:00, the second was at 3 am with another man injured to the back of the head, the third was 37 yr old black female at 8:40 pm. All were struck in the back of the head and those alive are in serious condition.

I don't tell you this to scare y'all, but to alert you to call the angels of Heaven to protect my family, especially Andrew. He walks from our apartment complex to the bus stop early in the morning and when he gets off from work. Both are at daylight hours but it still makes me extremely nervous for his safety. My God is bigger than anything and will protect my husband! Hopefully this attacker is caught very soon. I'm trying very hard not to worry.

Okay, get to praying!