Pain With A Touch Of Peace

So far this month has been quite the rollercoaster ride. I thought after chemo, the whole serious sickness and side effects would slow down and I'd have a somewhat smoother ride with little dips every now and then. Well, this past weekend, God decided to allow another trial to remind me of His love for me.

I try to take Jonathan on a walk around our apartment complex each week day and sometimes on the weekend. This past Saturday, I noticed some pain in my right foot when I reached home and was unloading everything. I took my shoes off thinking I had tied them too tight or just walked too far without a break. I had a hard time putting full weight on my foot because it felt bruised, so I limped just a tad when walking. By the evening, the pain had increased a little bit and I took of my sock to see if anything was wrong. I noticed on the inside of my foot, by my ankle some redness and then on the outside of my foot what looked like some kind of spider or bug bite. I had Andrew look at it after dinner to see what he thought it was. He didn't think it was a bite because there were no puncture marks ... just redness and a little knot. I went to bed hoping it all would be better the next morning so we could go to church. I was wrong. When I got out of bed Sunday morning, I had a much bigger limp and the pain had increased even more. I was at the point that I wanted to be seen by a doctor because a place had shown up on my shin, as well. Each red spot was very tender to touch and if pressure of any kind was placed on it I was hurting quite a bit. So off to the ER we went. Andrew was glad that I told him it felt worse and that I wanted to get it checked out.

Once at the hospital, I was put in a room fairly quickly. I sort of expected an IV and/or blood work, so I drank as much water as I could beforehand. By then, I had seen five different doctors. They all came in, looked at my leg and foot, poked around, and then left after saying, "Im not sure what it is." It was frustrating to say the least. One doctor thought it was one thing while another physician guess something else. I already have white coat syndrome so the lack of confidence in my diagnosis was not reassuring at all. I had been praying about these painful spots since they appeared, but now I was praying with a little more urgency. I asked God to help them figure out what was wrong without having to run too much more testing, which would often involve pain with poking, prodding, and me feeling like I could pass out. The final doctor that I saw was a Rheumatologist (sp). He said he was often the one called when other doctors and nurses couldn't figure things out. After taking a look at my "rare" case, he put in orders for antibiotics, something for pain and inflammation, and  a biopsy with the Dermatologist. He said the biopsy would be a simple punch test and it would help them know exactly what was going on underneath the skin. God opened the door for an appointment the next day, rather than 4 days later, like the ER doctor said it would most likely happen. That's when my anxiety went up a little. I was thinking a biopsy would not only mean more pain because it was a needle, but also because the needle would be in the most tender spot of all the sores, in my shin.

I'm not the type to go look up what procedures involve and exactly what is done or things like that. I did that once a couple years ago and almost had an anxiety attack. I won't do that again. The main thing I wanted to know was if I needed to prepare mentally for any pain. The doctor said I'd be fine. I knew what he meant and I didn't like it.

The next morning, we went to the Dermatologist. After talking about the procedure of the punch test, the doctor showed me the tool he would use and explained in a little more detail exactly what he'd do. I was ready to throw up. I must have looked terrified because he quickly told me that I would have a numbing agent so I wouldn't feel anything. I was pretty relieved after hearing that! I knew lidocaine was painful when injected, but I also knew I could get through it. I had lidocaine both times with my port placement and removal. The "bee sting" as the doctor called it. HA! Yeah right! More like 10 bees stinging you at the same time.

So the nurse injected the lidocaine and then the doctor started. At first I couldn't feel anything, but then all of the sudden I felt this extremely sharp pain and it felt like the doctor was slowly tearing my skin away, leaving an open wound. I squeezed Andrew's arm as hard as I could and tried super hard to get a strong "OW" out. It was such a strong pain that I could barely talk and almost passed out. It hurt so bad I couldn't even cry.

The doctor had the nurse inject more lidocaine each time I told him I could feel anything. Each time I'd feel pain I cried out "Jesus help me!!" If you want to know the details of the procedure, you'll have to ask Andrew. I get pretty sick to my stomach just thinking about the whole appointment. Needless to say, I was SO glad when the procedure was finished. It took me a while to slow my breathing. While I was laying on the table trying to focus on not hyperventilating, Andrew had to sit down. He was as white as a sheet and was feeling like he was going to faint. I guess what he saw the doctor do was pretty hard to watch. Andrew was in the chair, I was on the exam table, and Jonathan was in the stroller by the door. We were a mess. The nurse was watching us all pretty closely.

I thought we were done with everything and were about to go home. We had our discharge papers and then the doctor said, "Oh I'd like you to have some labs done, too." I thought that meant we'd come back the next day or later on in the week. Nope! So down to the lab and pharmacy we went. When we got there I told Andrew that I was going to complain for a second. I told him it wasn't bad enough that I had that excruciating pain just minutes ago, but now I'll be poked again! I was having a hard time living out joy. A very difficult time. The Lord was still right there by my side. He allowed the tech there to get the needle in the first time and blood flowed as needed.

I finally breathed a sigh of relief when I was in the car and on the way home. I made myself count my blessings of the morning and the whole ordeal of the infection coming up in the first place. Here are some things Jesus brought to my mind ...
- I'm thankful I have a husband who was able to take me to be seen by a doctor sooner rather than later.
- I'm thankful for a clean ER that I could be seen and treated in.
- I'm thankful for the several doctors and nurses I saw that were trying to help diagnose me and help me feel better.
- I'm thankful for the Dermatologist and yes, even the painful procedure to accurately diagnose the infection and possible cause.
- I'm thankful for medicine that helps relieve pain, gives me rest, and works to fight any infection I have.
- I'm thankful that I had Andrew to squeeze when I was hurting.
- I'm thankful the nurse gave me crutches.
- I'm thankful Jonathan behaved.
- I'm thankful Jesus never left my side.
- I'm thankful the whole dang procedure is DONE!

Here are some ways you can be praying in the coming days ...
* Complete healing
* Medicine works
* Biopsy results and blood work come back with answers to help further treatment and prevention in the future
* Pray I will never have to have this again ... please!!!!

My next MRI is May 3. I'll post again after that.

When One Door Closes Another Opens

This past week I had an important appointment I think I mentioned would be coming up. About a month ago I had some bloodwork done on my hormones to check levels and then additional labs were sent off to take a closer look at my numbers from my ovaries. They were elevated and my gynecologist wanted to know why.

Yesterday, I went in to talk with her about the results and what everything meant. The elevated number from my ovaries was 38, where menopausal women are at 40. She told me that I have premature ovarian failure. Which means I'm not producing any eggs and therefore will not be able to get pregnant. This is a side effect from radiation and the high toxicity of my chemo regimen. I was given Lupron shots, that shut my ovaries down during treatment, in hopes of saving the eggs I did have. It didn't work.

My options for having more children are to either go through a donor egg program or adopt. In vitro fertilization is not an option for us since my ovaries are not working at all. Andrew and I are not wanting to do the donor egg option.

Some may know already, but I'll tell you all for those who do not know. Andrew and I have a passion to adopt internationally. We'd like to adopt a girl from China and a boy from Africa. God gave me the passion some time during my college years. Andrew showed interest when we talked about it during our engagement. There was a time last year when I doubted if God wanted us to adopt internationally or if it was something I made up. After doing some research and hearing from others that have been through an adoption process, it was discouraging to see the amount of money it would take just to get started. I know the Lord will provide.

I believe and know with all my heart that God was preparing me for this appointment. Months ago He had been speaking into my heart about spiritually developing Jonathan and being intentional. He gave me a peace more and more with each day that passed about having Jonathan as our only biological child. When the doctor gave us the news I think she was surprised at how calm we were. She was probably wondering why I didn't have any tears. I told her that God had been working on my heart to hear what she had told us and I'm okay. Thank you Jesus we have our sweet Jonathan to build up and watch grow.

Now I'm not saying I didn't shed ANY tears over the news. My heart did break in hearing, "You cannot have anymore children" and it was pretty hard to tell my family. Everyone has been wonderful about it, though. I have been given reminders to praise the Lord for mine and Andrew's passion for adopting and to get excited about the precious child I have in Jonathan. I love him on a totally different level now. :)

In almost all of the research I've done previously on adopting from China, I found that the age requirement is for both parents must be at least 30 years old. That gives us about 4-5 years before we can start anything. By then Jonathan should be in school and I could handle another small child. I have no idea what we're getting into with all of this, but I am certain that in time, God will give me and Andrew peace about decisions that need to be made and will walk with us through this journey. He is faithful!

So that's the latest in our lives right now. A little setback, but we serve a BIG God. He is the joy of my life and I will not let the devil take it away from me.