Thankful ...

I talked with my mom this morning a little about this, but I want to share it with y'all too. Just to let you know what a blessing of a mother I have.

If my mom wasn't here, my healing wouldn't be where it is today. I would constantly be stressed over what building I need to be in, at what time, and stuff like that. When she calls a shuttle, she tells them she needs a ride from bldg whatever to the next bldg. I guess since she does it all the time, it's easier for her to remember. This short term memory loss really makes things difficult.

It's really nice to know that Jonathan has someone that loves him to take care of him. Eventually, he'll have to go to daycare and man am I dreading that day! But Mom says she'll be here until I'm done with treatment. She is so good to me.

Now to my sweet husband!! What a blessing he is to me! I'm so thankful for the man God has given me. Andrew Michael is the coolest provision from the Lord. He's a great Daddy and a wonderful help mate. He's been my rock through all of this and has let me squeeze his hand so many time.

And how could I forget Matthew & Erin Martin!! What great friends they have been to us! Matt has been here, at the Fisher House to pick us up for appointments and take us to and from the hospital, to McDonald's and even brought a smoothie back from Smoothie King. He took us grocery shopping one day too. Erin has been a blessing in being emotional support as a woman and just being present as a friend. Thank you guys! You are the best!

Okay, that's all for now. Thanks for letting me brag on my four special people!!

Radiation Treatment Day 1

Today I had my first radiation treatment, at 11:00. The night before, I had a little difficulty going to sleep, but not too much. I wasn't too worried about the procedure itself. I woke up with my stomach in knots and I guess my subconscious was nervous.

We made it to the radiology area at the base hospital and they took me back pretty quickly. I changed into a gown, kept my fuzzy warm socks on, and hopped up on the hard, cold table. I remember one of the first questions the nurse asked me was what type of music I liked to listen to. I'm allowed to bring my own music in, so I'll have to make a radiation CD or something. I was surprised by the music request, but later found that I couldn't hear it over the machine.

I didn't know how loud the machine would be. I have been trying to work on my sound and light sensitivity by not wearing them as often, so I left both at home today. Bad idea. Tomorrow, I'll be taking my ear plugs in with me. Maybe I'll be able to take a quick nap. I just prayed through it all today.

The masks were pretty tight. They were soft and warm when we made them, but today they were hard like a plastic hockey mask from Walmart, at Halloween. Big difference. Remember, there was a hole at the eyes and by the nose so I can breathe. I asked for prayer for my nose not to be stuffed up because it makes it hard to breathe like that. Anyway, the masks were much tighter than I anticipated. The nurses had a hard time clamping the pelvis one to the table, so I feel like tight isn't an accurate description. Let's just say my tailbone was very sore from being pinned to the table for so long. There's nothing I can do about that. Just pray through it. I didn't sneeze through any of the treatment, which was good. That would have been gross being that I couldn't move. The treatment today was 45 minutes long since they had to make sure I was lined up correctly and all. The future treatments should be about 20 minutes. The actual radiation is only 9 minutes.

After the treatment, a friend of ours, Matt Martin, took us to McDonalds. I ordered a cheeseburger kids meal and it felt like a large value meal. I didn't think I'd be able to eat it all. But with the Lord's help, I was able to eat it all. I was pretty tired too.

After lunch,j I took a nap. Jonathan had just gone down for his nap so I figured I'd give Mom and break and go down too. I was beginning to feel nauseous from the smell of radiation. I learned to hold my breath when the radiation came to my front/face and then breathe when it was on my back. I don't even know how to explain it, but I can still smell that odor that came just from the radiation treatment. Ugh ... not talking about it anymore. Sorry :(

The nap helped, but then I woke up with a headache. I figured that was from not enough water. I'm supposed to be drinking lots of water during treatment and I know I haven't had enough today. I took tylenol to help anyway.

I played on the floor with Jonathan for a while, then realized I should probably try to eat something for dinner. Mom made me Ramen noodle soup. We grew up calling it baby doll hair soup. :) But I had almost a full pack. I got full pretty quick and couldn't eat it all.

So all in all, the Lord brought me through another day. Today I felt nauseous and not really wanting to eat, but I think the tough stuff is ahead. I still prayed for no/minimal side effects and I'm trusting the promise that God will not give me more than I can handle with all this. I think my level has gone up because I certainly didn't think I could handle this much! Lord have mercy!

1 down, 29 to go. Earlier today, I put on facebook status that it was a "Just Do It" day. Well, I just did it. Tomorrow, we'll do it again. I think I'm going to be thankful for weekends, for a break from appointments. Don't mean to complain, but it will be nice to not have those for a couple of days. God has convicted me to be thankful for this not being more challenging. I think of Randy Youngblood and how he is going through chemo and radiation therapy at the same time! If you think of it, lift him up! Actually ... do it right now.

Update on Andrew: he's made it to AZ safely (thank you for praying!) and the movers came today. They'll finish up tomorrow. We should have our household goods no later than March 8.

God has continued to provide in many ways and we're continuing to thank Him for mountain He has set before us. I hope you all were able to see my wall of love. Mom put up all of my cards that I've received from you all. It's encouraging to look at that once in a while and just know that I have lots of fellow believers lifting me up before the Lord.

Thank you all for your encouragement, love, and support through this trial. We're gonna make it through!!

New Things To Pray For ...

Hey y'all! How'd the weekend go for ya? Mine went pretty good. Each day is a little better with the recovery of having the port put in. I'm able to put on a shirt by myself. It takes a little while, but it gets done.

Radiation begins Tuesday at 11:00. I have a cold right now, so please pray that I will not be stuffed up when I go in. The mask only has holes to breathe around the nose. My mouth is covered. Also pray I don't sneeze during the radiation process too.

Something my mom reminded me of today was about the side effects of radiation and how to pray about that. She reminded me of the scripture that says you have not because you ask not. So that being said, we're praying for NO side effects from radiation. Only having to go to the bathroom a lot because I'll be drinking so much water.

We have a friend who has had very minimal side effects, so we've seen it happen! We've already got the aloe vera for my head and are prepared for hair loss.

This is a little off the subject of cancer, radiation, and all that, but the movers from the Army will be at our house in AZ on Tuesday to pack everything up. Andrew is there to sign off on everything and will be driving back later next week. Pray that everything he needs to get done at Ft. Huachuca will be done quickly and in the right way. Also pray that our goods will make it to DC sooner than later. Mom will need a bed to sleep on! We'll have a blow up mattress, but those aren't very comfy!

I think that's all for now. I'll let you know how I'm feeling on Wednesday. God can do great things! He's brought me this far!

Chief Neuro Oncologist Contd.

Some of the typical side effects of this radiation include...
Sore Throat Low Blood Count
Diarrhea Loss of appetite
There's a much longer list of other side effects, but as Randy Youngblood said, "We'll let God determine our side effect list."
I need to eat well, a high calorie diet, which means I'll probably talk with a dietician and not just eat icecream and twinkies all the time.
So after my 6 weeks of radiation, I'll take a 3 week break and then repeat an MRI on the brain, spine, and belly area to see how I tolerated radiation and any progress made. They're doing the belly since the shunt comes from the brain and empties out in the abdomen. They are wanting to make sure there are no cancer cells growing in the abdomen area. Somewhere in the near future, I will have the shunt tied off so it can't empty anything else.
I had asked him about how it will affect fertility and he said I have a very good chance of having a baby after all this is over. He just told me and Andrew to watch it and not get pregnant in the next year since radiation can cause more birth defects. I had mentioned that if I became pregnant during treatment that I wanted to stop with radiation and chemo. It's not an option for me to put my baby at risk of not living.
I asked Dr. Fine if a bone marrow transplant was in store. Right now it's not an option, but would be if the tumor returned later on in life.
Overalll, Dr. Fine feels that I'll tolerate the treatment well because they have meds to help me through and diet help.
He thought would be a good idea to get a life alert bracelet to show my short term memory loss, codeine allergy, that I have a shunt in place.
We talked about how I could have issues with my thyroid later, like years later and that I'd most likely need to have hormone therapy later too. My short term memory loss should improve after treatment.
So radiation starts on Tuesday, so be praying. I knew this day was coming, but I'm still in a daze of I can't believe I'm getting ready to start treatment for cancer. I just need to put on my Just Do It shirt and get it going.

Chief Neuro Oncoologist

On Wednesday, Februahrry 15, we had a 5 hr appt. at NIH (National Institute of Health). We had to get there by 8:00 to go tough security and all. It was pretty tight.
We arrived close to 8:00 and were just a tad late for checking in upstairs. I met with a nurse practioner, Ms. Royce (sort of like Dr. Fine's "right arm") She talked through my medical records from the time I was born to current status. Then she did some tests for my eyes and neuro function. Next, another doctor came in to look at my eyes and said I was textbook. Meaning I was following the book on cases like mine. I didn't have anything new. He told me it should get better or back to normal within a year.
After a little bit of waiting, we went into a conference room to meet with Dr. Fine and Ms. Royce to discuss my plan of action for radiation and chemo.
Right away Dr. Fine encouraged me with how great of a job my surgeons, Dr. Davidson and Dr. Armonda had done. I didn't realize how difficult of a surgery it was with having a tumor directly in the middle of the brain and taking only little pieces at a time.
Often times, you have to have multiple surgeries to get the tumor out or there are complications because of the location. Because of God, that was not the case. I have come out with minimal side effects that appear to be self healing over time; and they were able to take almost everything out, tumor wise. Just the microscopic stuff left.
Instantly that puts me in a "better" group category because of the job they did. My health and age as an adult helps with that too. Because my tumor is seen more in children, babies and children aren't fully developed & the treatment is often worse than the disease and they opt to allow their child to pass on rather than put them through treatment and they die from not being able to fight that. So with adults, most development is complete and because of that, treatment is better tolerated in those who are past adolescence. That is the "better" group. There is a real chance of cure with adults.
Dr. Fine said I should be back to living a normal life around 6 months after treatment. He encouraged me with reminding me of all the medicine they have today to help you through radiation and chemo treatments.
Dr. Fine mentioned this kind of tumor requires chemo & cranial-spinal (head & spinal) radiation. Smaller cells could end up further into the brain, but so far, all of my scans have come back clear. He was very encouraged by those results.
His recommendation is to do radiation in small doses every week day for 6 wks. Lower dose, lower at a time, equals little damage. However, he wants to be aggressive now with starting radiation sooner than later. (Feb. 21)

The Making of a Mask

Today, I went to a radiology appointment to have my mask made and drawn on for how they need to line me up for radiation. Oh and I have one tattoo mark on my chest. I guess that's for lining up too. Sorry, I won't be showing that one off. It's just a little dot anyway.
My appointment was at 10:45, but I set my alarm to drink a lot.
So we made it to the hospital and I thought I was fine, until they called me back. I asked the nurse what the procedure was like since the doctors had not told me. She explained it, in detail. I cried. Not because of what was coming, but because of how much I didn't know. This was the first time for anything like this and I was afraid of the unknown.
Then the doctor came in and explained it in further detail. I cried again. This time because it hit me that I have cancer and I'm starting radiation and chemo. I don't know why it just hit me now. But it did. It was a surreal moment. The doctor did very well in explaining everything and being very understanding about my crazy emotions. He told me, think of it as getting a facial. They not only did a mask of my face, but also of my pelvis. I'll be having radiation from my head to just about my tailbone. They want to cover the spine. The masks were to make sure I was lined up for everything.
I went in and the nurse told me to take everything off but my underwear and put the gown on. She was great too. The room was pretty cold. Not as cold as the MRI suite. I didn't know just how cold it was yet. So I hopped on the table and my oncologist (Dr. Jones) was there. I wasn't expecting him to be there. I'm not sure why it was such a big deal, but it was. I asked him if he was staying for the whole thing and he said yes. Well then the nurse said I'd be exposed for some parts, meaning towel off my chest. Great! 3 people I don't really know get to see my chest like it's nothing. That was the least of my worries.
So I laid down on the piece of plastic that would be my bed for the next at least 30 minutes. They pulled the sheet off I was also told not to move my head, not to talk, and to keep my eyes closed. I did all of that, but could hear everything (clipping of mask, bed I was on going in and out of CT machine, etc) I later told Andrew that watching the original of Planet of the Apes before this procedure wasn't a good idea. My reasoning for that is because your mind wanders, or the devil used it against me.
So the head mask was finished and they did the pelvic one next. I was sort of thankful for that one because I was really shaking by then. It felt pretty good. I do remember feeling my stomach as I was breathing.
I did have one moment when the devil fed me a lie of if they started cutting on me or causing me pain, I'd have NO way out since I was in these hard cast things clamped to the bed.
I told him to leave me alone and he did. Now here's something I forgot to mention earlier. When I went in the CT machine for the first round of pictures I remember praying "Jesus help me, I need to feel you!" Almost immediately, a song was brought to my mind that I believe was an answer from above. I don't remember the name of the song, but I know the lyrics. It was from an elementary musical I helped out with in high school. Here are the words of the chorus...
I am with you wherever you go
I am with you you are never alone
I am with you my heart is your home
My child, I am with you
So there it is! My encouragement that got me through most of this experience. I'm not sure how long the whole process lasted. I really don't care anymore, now that it's over.
I remember crying after I sat up from having both masks removed. The nurse asked me why I was crying and I just told her I'm so glad that everything's over. She gave me a hug and helped me off the table. I was so glad to get into clothes since I was cold and that this big step was over.
I think I cried again when I saw Mom and Andrew in the waiting room. Happy tears of course. Like they were there to save me. lol.
A couple other cool things that God did today were help me with my sight and hearing. As most of you may know, I've been super sensitive to sound and light to the point of wearing sunglasses and earplugs almost all the time. So today, I didn't wear my sunglasses and have been without my earplugs for half a day! Yay God!!
Oh the other thing with my vision was I am able to look up!! With how the tumor was positioned and causing pressure on my eyes, I've had great difficulty looking up at all. I often had to ask whoever was talking with me to sit down so I could see them. Not today! I was able to look at the face of whoever was speaking to me! I remember thinking last night about it and how I wouldn't be able to drive with that challenge, or I wouldn't feel like it would be safe enough for Jonathan to be in a moving vehicle with me. Then I thought of how if this was a permanent challenge that we most likely couldn't add to our family because if I couldn't drive one around, how would I do it with any more? How would I get a lot of things done? Grocery shopping, taking him to school, going to the library, etc. It was a moment that was sort of sad but the Lord has healed me!! Jesus is my Healer!
So that's my story for today. Those are my blessings. It was an emotional roller coaster, but I'm closer to being better! Oh and my oncologist and one of my nurses from the mask thing were believers. Sometimes I feel like I need to draw the first half of the fish before I talk anyone and see if they'll draw the second half. :) It's so nice to know I am surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ through this mountain.
Talk with y'all later!

Take a Deep Breath & Have a Strawberry Frosted Donut Contd.

There's my biggest miracle of all. I have lots of scars to prove it too! After 5 brain surgeries, and hopefully not anymore brain surgeries, I think everything is good. I know the goal is to remove the shunt, but I'm not sure when that is. That is all for now. Sorry I had to put this stuff in 2 different posts. I just had so many blessings to share! Have you shared your blessings with anyone yet? If not, get crackin'! The Bible says to make the most of every opportunity (Eph. 5:16). So Just Do It!!

Sorry the picture wouldn't load. I had a very difficult time getting it all loaded and the blog page kept saying things were too big. So if you'd like to see the picture of the scans, go on facebook and to my sister's page (Michelle Justin Williams) and look in her mobile uploads. It's in there near the bottom. Sorry guys. I really tried and was tested in patience. I didn't get too mad but I was aggravated. So I guess I didn't pass that test.

Goodnight!

Take a Deep Breath & Have a Strawberry Frosted Donut Contd.

Alright. Here are pictures of the scans of my head with the tumor in the center of my brain. It was about the size of a golf ball. Shaped like a heart and is usually white. The tumor is the grey heart or kidney bean shaped looking thing. That tumor is no longer there, praise Jesus! Col. Armonda and other surgeons were able to take it out. I remember telling them before surgery, "I feel like I'm on Grey's Anatomy!" They all thought that was funny. One of the nurses had said that hospital was as close to Seattle Grace as I was going to get, with being in Seattle and seeing a bunch of residents and all.

Take a Deep Breath & Have a Strawberry Frosted Donut

This morning, I was able to be a part of witnessing miracles happen before my eyes. I was scheduled for an MRI at 10:30 and I was dreading it since I knew an IV was needed for contrast and the medicine that was supposed to sedate me.

The first challenge was in arriving at the office at 9:00 and not getting in until 10:30. That entire time, sitting there, I was trying to distract myself from thinking of what was coming by going on Facebook on my phone, looking at pictures and videos on my camera, and talking to Andrew. I tried to sleep, but it was difficult because I didn't want to wake up to going to be stuck. I hate that! It happened a lot in WA when the nurse would come in at 12:00 and say, "Lindsey, it's time for your morning labs." Ugh, I'm so glad I don't have that anymore.

Next came the actual MRI. I had a wonderful and understanding nurse who reminded me of my best friend's momma, Carla. That helped because Miss Carla is a sweet sweet woman! So she gave me some encouraging words about how she didn't like MRIs either or needles in fact. I still was nervous and started praying. I asked her how long the first session was and if they would sedate me. She said your first session is 20 minutes and they don't sedate you. My heart sank. 20 minutes of loud banging?!?! I then asked for ear plugs and a blanket. It was freezing in that room! Ask Andrew!! Oh he had to change in a gown to be with me later. Poor guy. That's the least he could do for me eh?

So they started the process and I got in the machine and forgot that I didn't have a cloth over my eyes. I don't like small spaces, so that's another reason I don't like MRI's and why they sedate me. So I asked her, "Can I have a cloth for my eyes? I'm sorry! I forgot to ask before we started." She was so patient. She rolled me out, gave me the cloth and gave me some encouraging words again. I prayed. So we started again and then I realized I had to go to the bathroom. No ... Just kidding. We started and I immediately was thankful for my earplugs!! I don't know if anyone ever does one of these things without earplugs, but it's gotta be damaging to your ears! If it seems loud with ear plugs in, I can't imagine how loud it is without. Oh, and the nurse put these rubber things next to my head to stabilize it I think. That helped with the sound as well. I had never had those before.
So the first session lasted a total of 20 minutes. Each section whether it was quiet to get ready for the next picture or 3 minutes long, the nurse would get on the speaker and tell me what to prepare for. It helped so much!! Here's the first of many miracles .... I was able to pray for others! I'm not sure if any of you have had an MRI but those of you who have know how stinkin' loud it is and it's hard to even think straight in that much noise. So it was a miracle that I could pray for anyone or anything! I tried it last time and just couldn't do it. I prayed for everyone from my family to Will Ferrell. Now the Will Ferrell one is funny. So one of the MRI noises sounded like a cowbell and all I could think of was the Saturday Night Live cowbell episode with him in it. I didn't see the actual full episode, but I did see that part on youtube once. So I laughed and thanked God for the humor in the noise and asked Him to lead Will Ferrell to Him. So I hope Will Ferrell finds Jesus soon!
Now here's the next miracle. I was praying for either Randy or Mindi ... I don't remember, but I prayed for both again later on. I fell asleep!!!! It was such a miracle!! Who can fall asleep in that thing. I must have been exhausted from anxiety or something. I'm not going to try to figure it out. It just was a God moment!
Before I knew it, I woke up and it was time for the next round. Which was only 10 minutes I think. So they rolled me out and Andrew came in because the next part required contrast and sedation. So I thought. So the kind nurse came out and talked me through and IV placement. Didn't hurt too bad. I had my handsome hubby's hand to squeeze the crud out of. Believe me I did! Even though it didn't hurt too bad. I just like to know I have his finger to squeeze on. My daddy and sister made me a stress balloon out of a glove to squeeze on, but I like to have Andrew around. He helps me through things! Thanks Daddy and Michelle for that glove though, it helps when I don't have Andrew. It smells good too. :)
So the nurse had trouble with the first IV because my veins are so small. She told me that it shouldn't burn with the medicine going in. But it did. So she had to take it out. I was so aggravated. I told her, "I'm going to try not to be mad at you." I knew it wasn't her fault but it felt like it. I really do HATE needles. But I'm so thankful for nurses like this one I had. After her first try wasn't a success, thankfully she went and got help. I don't remember her doing this because I kept my eyes closed the entire time. Then I had the next challenge. I started to shiver ... lots!! Like my legs shaking almost as bad as labor ... which was a lot. I was so cold. They had me squeezing what felt like a pool noodle to try to get the vein to pop up I guess. So I had to try to focus on calming down from shivering, squeeze whatever they gave me in both hands, and then breathe through the anxiety of an IV not working and waiting to be poked again.
Then I started crying ... or trying to at least. All I remember is feeling completely overwhelmed with everything I had to focus on and I just felt like I couldn't do it. I knew the hard work I had ahead of me still. Wow, now that I think of it ... this sounds just like my labor experience. I remember crying at one point from being so tired and knowing I had to still push ... oh man. Not a fun feeling at all.
So the next nurse was able to get an IV in my hand pretty quick. He didn't even warn me with counting. Just poke ... and we're in! I'm not sure if I like that way better. It still hurt. Anyway, I hardly felt the contrast this time. I remember telling Andrew, "Pray these veins cooperate! I'm not sure how much more I can take!" The nurse who put the IV that worked in was great. I told him, "You must be an angel!" He thought that was pretty funny!
Then the 2nd session started. But what I didn't know was that I wasn't given any sedation medicine! That's the third miracle. All, with the help of Jesus, I was able to get through a very long MRI without sedation medication!!! Now I know I can do that! That means I can't be afraid of MRIs anymore. Dangit!! Anyway, I went in wanting to rub this whole thing in the face of the devil as far as being tough and not crying before the IV and freaking out. I freaked out in the lobby a little bit, but I didn't cry. That was my big thing. I did feel a tiny bit discouraged when I cried when I felt overwhelmed. But I do remember saying "Jesus, help me!" through the tears of frustration. He did!
So I didn't fall sleep through the 2nd session, but it wasn't bad. I don't remember praying, but I'm sure I did. I do remember breathing through it like labor and feeling super cold again. Yes, I did pray! Because I asked God to not let me fall asleep because I would catch myself holding my breath and I didn't want to fall asleep and forget to breathe. I know that's dumb. I prayed for Angela Engle because she helped me through labor with Jonathan and I was reminded of it as I was breathing the Bradley Method way. :) Before I knew it, they came on the speaker and said we're done! Those were the best words of the day!!! When they rolled me out, I kept telling the nurses, "I can't believe I'm done!" I asked them if they were certain they got everything. lol.
Then Andrew helped me get dressed and go get a strawberry frosted donut to celebrate. I told Andrew, "I know someone told me cancer feeds off sugar, but I think I deserve at least half a donut because of what I just went through. We ended up getting lunch at the subway next door too.
So cool huh? God did miracles right where I was!! Andrew was probably aggravated with me afterwards because I wouldn't shut up about how God just did so much in there. I was so relieved to be done. Then my bad news came. :(
Andrew and I went to the neurosurgery clinic to meet up with a nurse and then Andrew told me I have to have a spinal tap and before my port procedure. I almost cried. This is one of my biggest fears. I've messaged a friend on facebook about it, since she's had one; asking her what to expect. I've heard they hurt a lot. So I'm pretty scared. I know they can sedate me, but I'm not sure if it's better to be sedated and feel everything or go the other way with nothing and be able to cry or scream or whatever. I'm not looking forward to it.
So when we ran into the dr and nurse at the neurosurgery clinic, they both looked at each other and said, "No, she doesn't need a spinal tap, they can take from the other one." I don't believe them yet. I'm waiting to hear for certain whether or not I have to have one. I'd rather think I do and be pleasantly surprised with a nevermind, rather than think I don't have to have one and then be told I have an appt. in a couple days. I'm weird like that!
I know this is a super long post. No apologies though! :)
My mom wrote to a gospel singing group called Sisters (a trio of women that sing beautifully and a couple of them were part of a group called the Ruppes) Annyway, I remember growing up hearing them played in the car as a little girl. So Mom wrote them on facebook about a song named I'm Going To Make It Through. If you get a chance you should look up the lyrics on my page. They posted on their page "For Lindsey Hanson ..." and then the lyrics and a video of them singing it. Isn't that cool!?
Oh and on Monday, Montel Williams will be at one of the other Fisher Houses cooking for us! We'll have ribs, chili, and a bunch of other things! I get to meet a celebrity! I'll take a picture for you guys. I think it's cool when famous people take time to serve others. I have a lot of respect for those that do that.

Medical Updates

I'm not sure if I put this earlier in the blog, but I've had people ask me. The name of my tumor was pineoblastoma. It was a malignant tumor meaning cancerous. I was not surprised by being told I had cancer because I thought it'd be too easy to just have a tumor then have it taken out and then I was done. I knew God had more than that.
So that's the name of the tumor. It's usually found in children (go figure, someone who works with children gets a tumor that's found in kids) and found in less than 1% in adults. Meaning this thing is pretty rare and the doctors are following the way I react to things pretty closely. I've been asked to do lots of experimental things. I'm not signing up for any volunteer surgeries, I just told them they can use what has happened already and follow my progress. I'm not ready to be a guinea pig or experimental piece. But I do want to be a help to those who may be in my shoes in the future. Having so many doctors scratch their heads at my case is not always encouraging. Also, with being in the less than 1% category, I'm praying they can customize my plan for exactly what I need. Only the Lord knows!
Today, I started a process of shots called lupron. It's used to put my ovaries to sleep during the chemo and radiation. The gynecologist told me that if I were to have a menstrual cycle during chemo and radiation, my body could bleed at the level of needing a transfusion. I've had one of those and it was painful. They had the blood going in at a pretty quick rate (probably necessary) and it wasn't fun. I felt every bit of it.
I wasn't worried about the part of the ovaries waking back up and ability to get pregnant and all that, because I serve a God who is BIG and MIGHTY and there's nothing my God cannot do! So after some discussion and research, Andrew and I decided it was the best way to go. The shots are every month (in my rearend - embarrassing with all my stretch marks!) until my chemo is completely done. Other than having a sore behind, I think I'll thank myself later. Especially if that means having another sweet baby. If not, it's okay. God has given us a strong desire to adopt internationally and now we know why!!
That's all for now. I have an MRI on Friday (which means another IV poke because they have to sedate me. I freak out inside those things. They're really loud. I can't even pray!) Then next week I go to the opthamologist for my eyes and hopefully the oncologist to hear my game plan for chemo and radiation and start this new normal for me. I just want to start to get done. Just do it!!
Have you shared a blessing with anyone yet? Don't forget, God might open a door so you can tell them the Good News!!! Just do it!!!!

Cuteness from Andrew Hanson

I'm sure Andrew would LOVE my title to today's blog, but I have to share his comment, or my "Dory" moment rather with everyone, from last night.
I was in the shower thinking of the side effects from radiation that a surgeon had listen for me earlier that day. We had a long day (12:30-5:00) of dr. appts. The dr. office was empty and closed when I left. To say it was a long day is probably an understatement. I was having a hard time staying awake while the doctors were talking with me. I was thankful to have my sunglasses on to hide when I closed my eyes.
So anyway, I was in the shower thinking of how I felt like David before the giant of cancer. Almost immediately, God reassured me it was okay through the Casting Crowns song, The Voice of Truth. I kept thinking of the line of David shaking in his armor, wishing he had the strength to stand.
I told Andrew about this and he said really quick, "David didn't have any armor!" I told him to write Mark Hall and tell him that.
Well, I looked at the lyrics this morning and found that I was wrong. It's not David shaking in his armor, it was the sound of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor. So yay Mark Hall! You must have read the story!
So after laughing a lot, I told Andrew the rest of how I was answered from the Lord. I told Andrew, I know the end of the story! David cut Goliath's head off (envision me enthusiastically making a cutting motion like I'm telling a story to a child) and I plan on cutting the head of cancer off and waving it in the face of the devil and laughing in victory. I'm on the side of the winner! Whether it's here or in Heaven, I will have won! Ha Satan! I will walk in victory whether you like it or not!
Okay, that's all for this post. I'm going to the mall to try to get around people. Remember, the last time I did this at the Whole Foods Store I almost cried. I wanted to. I remember that. Just pray that no one asks me questions about my scars or anything else in an inconsiderate way. I can't see people staring at me because of my eyes so maybe my blurry vision is a blessing in disguise.
I'll talk with y'all later. Have a great day! God is so good!!!

Wisdom from a friend and Challenging Days

SFirst, let me apologize if the content of this blog entry is jumping around. I've taken Norco, which is a pain medication, for a headache, and it's really making me feel weird. I'm sitting in the living room with just Andrew, with sunglasses and earplugs in. So weird, but they are helping so much!
We just came home from the Whole Foods store. This was my first time being at a store that had a parking garage and you had to take an elevator to get into the store. Going to the store was a big challenge. I was dreading it because I knew I'd have to walk a lot and I wasn't sure if they had places to sit down anywhere. I get tired easily. I'm not even on chemo and radiation yet. Man I'm in for it. So anyway, Andrew said they had motorized buggy things, but the Norco was making me feel pretty dizzy, so that was the last thing I wanted. I probably would have run someone over anyway. I'm pretty thankful for sunglasses and earplugs right now. Thanks Jesus! Even though Andrew and everyone else has to talk louder, these things are such a blessing right now.
So we went to the Whole Foods store for tart cherry juice caplets, but they only had the juice. Here's a blessing, God not only provided the juice, but another brand cheaper!! So we were able to get more tart cherry juice, which helps with the almost unbearable pain that I was having in my legs earlier this week. I haven't taken advil for my legs in a couple days now, I think. I'm going to say it's because of the supplements and tart cherry juice. I'm not positive, but it's the only big change I've made in my diet or anything else lately. If you have inflammation pain and want to try something natural for it, find a whole foods store nearby and try this juice out!!
The reason why this trip to the store was so challenging was because all of the noise. I know it sounds petty but I've never noticed how very much is going on around me. Now that I think about it, the Lord gave me another blessing by Jonathan not fussing. Oh man, I think I would have cried out of being so overwhelmed. Okay, I'm about to use "overwhelmed" a lot because for the life of me, I cannot think of another word at the moment. Sorry guys.
So we walked into the area by the elevator, to get up into the store, and there were carts everywhere, blocking the entrance to the elevator. Mom had never been this kind of store either so we just looked at each other and didn't know what to do. Then the elevator opened up and a guy looked like he tried to walk out. We tried to help him by moving carts, but he was putting the carts inside the elevator to take them back up to the store. We were so confused! We probably looked like idiots.
We eventually got into the store ... all 4 of us. Andrew was frustrated that we hadn't gone up already. I told him, chill out, we didn't know what to do! He wasn't amused at all. Just annoyed. lol. Looking back, this is funny; but in the moment it was not fun at all. I guess I need to get used to stores like these, out here in DC?
We made it in and instantly the hustle and bustle, carts slamming, and just people all around made me want to cry. I have never been so in tune with what was going on around me. The norco made me pretty dizzy so I felt like throwing up too. Then Andrew started saying something about a moving cart and I thought someone was behind me and I needed to get out of the way. No, it was about the huvaround thing. I'm so glad I didn't use it. It was nice to hang on, no CLING on to the regular shopping cart during this experience. I'm not sure how many people gave me weird looks today. I eventually put on my sunglasses and had my hat off. The lights were so bright and I got hot and cold and hot and cold.
With the Lord's help, we made it through that store visit. I probably apologized to every 3rd person I walked by. I felt so in the way. I'm the type that when I go to the store, I'm in and out. I have a list, stick to it and get out.
I learned, through that trip to the store, that I'm not quite ready to go church shopping yet. I think I'd cry at worship, and not because I'm moved, but because I want to run away. Then I'd cry out of feeling guilty for running away from church. So, for now, and I'm not sure even how long, not forever; I'll be staying home. I'm glad I don't have to go to church to feel my Jesus. I have Him with me all day, every day. 24/7!!
I also learned that the gym, in Fisher house #17 is going to be hard too. They have weights and if someone bangs one against another, I might scream. This hypersensitivity is crazy but part of something. The norco I think. Maybe I'll just make sure not to take it before I go. Can you guys imagine me literally telling you about this? It'd be just like this blog. On and on and on and on. You'd probably tell me "be quiet!!!" half way through.
I've decided not to apologize for long posts anymore. Just prepare for them all to be long, okay? I really do try to keep it short and sweet. I don't know that I'm capable of a short post. It's okay. Everyone will be quick readers by the time they're done following me. :) I'm helping y'all!
Where was I? Ugh ... Dory moment!!! Bad one ... because I really can't remember what I wanted to put next. Ugh!!!!
Wait about 5 minutes .... seriously, it's that bad.
Got it! So I wasn't going to tell you all the next part, but after some wisdom from a friend, and I honestly don't remember who. Sorry I can't thank you. :( So I asked a friend about posting the next part she said "yes, that's part of being real with people" I have decided to do it and I'm not looking back. That's because Jesus did it too and I want to be like Him.
I had a very rough night a few nights ago. I think it was Friday night. It was my lowest point up until now and I know it won't be my last. I was having the what felt like unbearable pain in my legs and I felt like God had ignored every cry out to Him, like He didn't see a single tear, and that He had turned and walked away from me. It hurt so bad that I barely had it in me to cry or even whisper "Jesus help me!!!" I remember clinging to my mom with everything in me and crying to her asking her where is God right now? It brings tears to my eyes to think I said and thought these things. I know Jesus saw everything and was probably in tears with me.
So I was in excruciating pain, and I remember laying in my bed asking God to take me home. I wanted to go to Heaven so bad. I knew that He would provide any needs for Andrew, Jonathan, and my family when I was gone so I just prayed and prayed and prayed that He would take me. I really did feel like I was dieing because I was so exhausted, I felt like it was a lot of work just to let me chest rise and fall to breathe. I remember being a little scared to be alone, so I asked mom to stay with me and hold my hand. We cried together and I told her how homesick for heaven I was. I told her I just want to see Jesus! It's okay to let me go. I just want to go to Jesus! Mom just told me it was okay and that I was very tired. Exhaustion can make you say crazy things. I knew exactly what I was saying and meant every word. Looking back now, I hate that I talked to her like that because as a mother, that was probably the LAST thing she wanted to hear from her daughter. I hate that she has that now as a memory. Maybe she'll have a Dory moment and forget all about it. That's it! I'm praying for it!
So I finally fell asleep and mom was right. I was very tired and sleep heals in so many ways! I do remember waking up and my first thought was "Dangit! I'm still here! I wanted to see Jesus!" But then I thanked the Lord for giving me another day. I guess He's not done with me here.
So there it is. My lowest point. I wanted to die. I wasn't going to kill myself or anything. It's just like I said. I was homesick for heaven and my Heavenly Father. I still am. Not like before. But I do look forward to the day when I can see Jesus and give him a big hug and just thank Him for all He's done for me. He is so good!!
I'm only half way through this post. You might want to go get a drink or use the bathroom. lol. Sorry!
So after that low point, I've been able to see things a little differently. I'm no longer interested in signing a DNR or Assisted Directive. I'm thankful for each passing hour. I'm thankful for the air I breathe, the bad voice I sing with, the warm water in the shower, the sweaty sheets I wake up to, the hospital and even the spinal tap that I'll eventually have to have. Lord I hope I have a surgery between now and then so they can do it while I'm under. They said they can sedate me, but when they sedated me for the MRI I could still hear everything crystal clear, hence the earplugs then too. Sedation does just that ... makes you sleepy a little, but your senses still work. Oh how I dread that spinal tap. It makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. But the Bible says that God does not give us a spirit of fear but of a sound mind. So I will try not to be afraid. I don't wanna give the devil a foothold. Maybe he can give me a spirit of David or Joshua-like courage and boldness, then help me pass out when I see the needle. I'll have to remember that and tell the doctor or nurse to just do it if I pass out. Oh I hope I don't forget. I probably will. I'm such a pessimist sometimes.
Okay, so I told you about my wisdom from my friend and my challenging day. Oh my Aunt Sharon and Uncle Jerry should be here soon!!! I can't wait. I know they came to see me already, but I don't remember it at all. They are like a second set of parents to me and I love them so much. Mom is going to make a pineapple upside down cake. Uncle Jerry has it every year for his birthday. I wasn't able to call him this year because I was coming out of surgery and waking up. So I get to celebrate with him after all! I'm so excited for this weekend with them and that cake is going to be so good!!!
On the way home from the store this morning, Jonathan was super sleepy, but for the first time in a very long time, like tiny baby, he held my finger! I know that sounds trivial, but I haven't been able to pick him up with my weight restrictions and just love on him like usual. I've had him on my lap, but I have an incision on my stomach that is healing from a shunt and I'm super cautious of touching it. So Jonathan holding my finger was like him giving me a big hug. Oh I almost cried. I think I told Andrew and Mom about it 5 times just on the drive home. I was so excited. Andrew said "he doesn't do that for me!" That made it even more special. lol
Okay so I want to show you all a picture of what my shunt looks like. They had to put this is so my brain would drain the cerebral fluid correctly. Normally your body does this on its own, but mine was blocked. Not by the tumor, but blocked somehow. If you want to know more about my brain problems, ask my mom or Andrew. I can't help you in that department. Major Dory issues there! So here it is.

The long tube like thing is just that. It's a soft brownish tube that goes into my abdomen. I don't think mine is as long as this picture. When they took it out it didn't look that long. It feels funny coming out. Like they're pulling a spaghetti noodle or something like that. I've had a couple in. They took one out in WA and put one in here in DC. It's still in there. The goal is to get to where the shunt can be taken out completely. Not sure when that will be.
Okay, I think I'm done for now. I have some dr, appts next week, so I'll have updates in a few days. I'll be seeing the oncologist, radiologist, and gynecologist all next week. All 3 very important appts. Be praying as we talk with the doctors. That we'll remember the questions we want to ask. (We've started a list.)
Don't forget pray for a family here that we met. Not sure if I've told you about them. They're names are Ken, Bridget, Emily and JC. Ken, the dad is here for an inoperable tumor and only has a few weeks left to live. They are a Jesus believing family, but home-going to heaven is still hard no matter what. This family is no longer in this Fisher house with us. They moved to another one to have enough room for them to have beds. Just lift them up.
I hear Jonathan. That means he's up and ready to eat. Gotta go be a momma and feed my boy.

Talk with y'all later. Share a blessing with someone today! Send me a note too! I love to hear how God works.

See ya next time!