Home for Mother's Day!

Surgery went well on Friday. I told Mom and Andrew I was asking God to help me get out of there by Saturday sometime. Well, we left the hospital Saturday evening. All God. Something that's never happened with surgery before is now different parts of my face are swollen. The surgeon said it's pretty normal and should go down with time. The swelling happened because of the way he had me laying on the table?! So right now, I look like Quasi Modo (totally not joking), which might turn into a black eye later and the right side of my face looks like someone punched me. Well my whole face looks like that right now. I can see out of my left eye just fine, but by looking at it you'd probably think I couldn't. It's almost closed.

Another challenge is I'm having a hard time eating. Not because my throat is scratchy or hurts, because it does, from the breathing tube. I'm feeling nausea all the time and can only take zofran 3 times a day. So annoying because I'm losing weight again. :( I guess I'll have to start drinking ensure again! Ugh!!

Something else that I'm not sure if Mom has posted on FB, but I now have to have growth factor shots twice a day, in my belly. The poke isn't bad, it's the medicine going in. It stings. I just hold Andrew's hand and breathe through it. Oh, and Mom has to give it to me. I feel so bad for her. Most of you might know how much I hate needles. I'm much better than before, when I was a little girl. I wouldn't have an anxiety attack, but I'd be pretty close. I have passed out just hearing people talk about them. Mom used to be a nurse back in the day, so I wanted her doing it over Andrew. So yesterday in the hospital, I had my first GFS. I had a nurse do it. I've had shots in my belly before and the pole didn't really hurt at all, just the medicine going in. I asked the nurse to take it slow. She didn't know I meant quick poke, slow injection. Therefore I felt all of the needle going in AND the sting of the injection. Mom had her first one last night and was pretty nervous. Like ready to cry, nervous. They key to the poke not hurting too bad is to grab enough skin. Well, with my weight loss, I don't have much there. She grabbed some, poked and then realized she didn't have enough. She had to get more skin to pinch and did it again. So I just squeezed Andrew's hand and started breathing through the pain. It's not excruciating, but I was trying not to tense up. Then she was done. I told her how much I was proud of her, since I know doing this for me is incredibly hard and thanked her. She said "I can't say you're welcome yet." So please pray for my sweet Mom. This is so hard for her.

I have those shots twice a day. 8 and 8. Tomorrow will be the first one without Andrew's hand to hold and squeeze. I know I can do ALL things through Christ.

That's the update for now. Surgery is complete ... finally :) and this coming week is full of appointments.

I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day. I know I'm super grateful for my Momma. Oh how I love her.

This month is packed full!

Tomorrow begins a very busy rest of the month. I'll be on my way the hospital in the morning around 4:45 and start the in processing of all the surgery stuff. Saturday, I begin my growth factor shots.(Pray for Mom, she's nervous about giving them to me.) I think I'll have those 2-3 times daily in my belly.

Monday, I have this group (sort of like a support group) called Look Good, Feel better from 10-12. Then it's off to another doctor at 2:30.

Tuesday evening sometime, I have to be admitted the the hospital to get ready start the stem cell harvest. The next day, they'll actually do the harvest.

Thursday, I'm hoping I can go to my support group. I know there will be times I miss it.

Then on the 21 or 22, we'll start chemo and then a lupron shot comes later.

See? I told you it's packed. I'm sure there will be lots of labs in between, like every 3 days. I'm not sure how long I'll be in the hospital each time after chemo. At the end, I'll include new ways to pray.

Lately ... well for just about 3 weeks, since my surgery was postponed 3 times, I've been asking God to give me the same courage He gave David, Gideon, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Daniel, Esther, Joshua & Caleb, the disciples, and even Jesus. I feel like I need that kinda courage going into this next phase and pretty much the whole time. I know those names above are probably not in the right order with the way they came up in the Bible. I know the Lord will give it to me because He has up to this point. He's my Provider of ALL things!

New ways to pray:
- Even though I'm resting in the peace of Jesus before all this happens, the human side of me creeps in sometimes and my anxiety goes up. I guess that means I'm not resting huh?
-The stem cell catheter that will be put in my neck. Lots of people tell me that there isn't much pain involved; but since I had that port put in, I don't take anyone's word. So pray that it's not too painful. Or that it's not nearly as painful as the port procedure.
- Growth Factor shots - the doctor said we need 10 million. More would be better. So prayer for 15 million! Hey God can do it!!
- Stem Cell Harvest - I've been told it's a long boring process because you just sit there and let the machine do the work. I have a great book I'm reading and I have my iphone for music.
- Dr. Davidson - surgeon that will be operating on my tomorrow. (& nurses too!)
- My weight - I keep going up a couple and then I lose it. It's pretty frustrating. Please pray that I can continue to gain more weight. I need every pound.
- my stays in the hospital will be short.

That's all I can remember now. God answers prayers!! Let's see how He answers these!! I claim Jesus is my Healer!!

Support in New Friends

Today, I went to my very first ever Support Group. We sat and talked about our journeys with cancer. I wasn't crazy about going at first because I don't like talking in groups of people I don't know, no matter what the size. I'm a one-on-one kinda person with counseling or venting. I learn a lot from listening to others and taking notes.

I saw in a group of 9 women, including myself, as we introduced ourselves, shared what type of cancer we were fighting, where we were in our fight (diagnosis, what kind of treatment, etc.), and finally any questions about today's topic of discussion - communicating with your doctors and nurses. 

I have always thought you just go in to a doctor's office or the hospital and let them do whatever because they always know best. Today, I learned that is not always the case. Not that I lost confidence in all doctors, but the importance of speaking up on my own behalf. Being my own advocate. Here are some important things I learned ...

- I can ask as many questions as I want. I shouldn't worry about taking up my doctor's time because he or she has someone else more important to see.

- If I know something doesn't work for me, then say it. They aren't in my body and do not feel what I'm feeling. 

- Write your questions down. It's ok to take someone with you or write things down.

- If your doctor doesn't know something about what you're feeling, they can't help.

- Be your own advocate - you can and should speak up

It was nice to be surrounded by other women who are going through the same stuff. Even though the majority of women in the group either was being treated for and completed treatment for breast cancer, I often saw us shaking our heads at similar comments or questions.

At the end of the session, when we were leaving, one of the ladies stopped me and asked me what I was having done for surgery. I explained everything to her. She had a really neat cap on so I asked her where she bought it. I have one, but this one was like a breathable beanie. She took it off and said, "Here, take mine. I have lots of others at home." I was shocked that she just gave me her hat. She was fine with walking out of the hospital with a bald head. She asked me if I'd lost all of my hair yet and I took my cap off to show her I still had these fuzzy hairs that were just hanging on. She laughed and then helped me put my cap back on. As we were walking out, I told her she was my blessing for the day. :) Her spontaneous generosity blew me away. I know God will give me an opportunity in the future to bless someone else.

I didn't have my surgery on Friday because some wounded soldiers were in need of it more. So the new surgery date is May 11. For all of you who prayed, thanks. I'm looking forward to a week that isn't full of appointments. Now I KNOW I'll be 100% for surgery on that day.

Scan Results

Yesterday I only had one appointment, but after leaving, I felt as though I had spent all day at NIH seeing doctors and doing scans. Emotionally I'm exhausted. The appointment yesterday was to hear the final plan for chemo and what it all entailed. I still can't even type about it without having tears fall.

Dr. Wroblewski (doctor I'm not crazy about) was the one who presented ... again. The plan for my chemo regimen is the same as before (see the post from my Mom's point of view) but at a lower dose. Instead of being in the hospital for 4 months straight, it will be a 28 day regimen with the first 4 days in the hospital. Before starting chemo, if I decide to, I will have my stem cells harvested for later use if mine completely go down hill. It's a precaution that Dr. Fine (chief oncologist at NIH) was in favor of. Skipping ahead to this Friday ... I'll have the surgery to replace my current shunt with another one. Next Wednesday, I start shots 2-3 times a day that are supposed to help boost my stem cell growth in preparation for the stem cell harvest. They need 10-12 million. So there's something to pray for! So after all the harvest, the chemo process can start. Good news is I don't have to have the port changed out. A lot of stuff can be done through the one I have. However, they do have to put some sort of catheter in my neck for the stem cell harvest. I've asked what to expect pain wise on that procedure but I don't feel like she gave me a clear answer. Please pray I don't have to feel the same amount of pain that I did when the port was put in. That hurt really bad.

After hearing the final plan, I cried ... a lot. Part out of fear of what's coming. The other part of me was asking God how much more desperate do you want me? I feel like I'm at my limit. I know His Word says He'll never give us more than we can handle. I'm feeling pretty dang close! After a good cry on Mom's shoulder, kisses and hugs from Andrew, and a nap, I'm feeling confident that God is going to help me. I just want to get started and get this all done and over with. I wore my Just Do It shirt to my appointment today, but wanted to rip it off by the end. I didn't feel I was strong enough to take on one more thing. I didn't feel like I could do anything else. I was starting to feel very alone. I know I have my sweet husband and Mom, but I'm the one sitting in the bed, being stuck lots, losing my hair, dealing with other side effects, etc.

Today, I had a follow up appointment with the radiation oncologist. I told the nurse about everything I was feeling with nerves growing back and all that. Both she and the doctor said it's normal and that chemo will bring some new side effects, as well.

Even in this time where the future looks pretty scary and exhausting, God is still good. Right now, it's moment by moment that spiritual warfare is raging. It has to be, because I'm feeling it strong. One moment I feel like ... OK, let's do this. Get started and get it over with. Then the next moment I'm  crying tears of fear. Now I KNOW in my heart that Jesus will walk with me through each step of this trial too. He's not going anywhere. He's known this chemo plan the whole time and I need to rest in confidence that He's got my back the whole way.

Things to pray for this coming week ...
- Group therapy on Thursday - I'm not one to open up in front of groups of people I don't know, so please pray I will speak when I need to. I think we'll meet once a month. I know it will be good for me to be able to talk with and listen to others that are exactly where I'm at in so many ways.
- Surgery on Friday - pray that I'm feeling 100% so we can go on with the surgery. Any other delays will put off chemo and we don't want that. Also recovery. That I'll only be in the hospital for 2-3 days. 
- my nerves - I think I have white coat syndrome. I don't even like going to the hospital for Jonathan's appointments. I can feel my blood pressure go up as soon as we get in the parking garage. It's annoying. I really do appreciate those who work in the hospital and I'm thankful I have a place to go in emergency situations.

Okay, that's it for now. Next week I'll update everyone before we start growth factor shots and the stem cell harvest. My psychologist from radiation talked with me today and put me at ease about a lot that goes into that procedure. She said it's pretty boring, just sitting there for hours while the machine removes blood, takes what is needed, and then puts it back in the body.

Thank you for your encouragement in prayer. It is so nice to know how many people around the world are lifting me up. I need that when I'm feeling like I can't stand. You are all a part of my healing!