A Lesson From Jesus & Paul

Each morning, I try to have quiet time with a devotional and prayer. This time used to be before Jonathan woke up around 8:00. Now, the new rise and shine time is 6:30. Therefore, I stay in bed until I hear him. I'm not a fan of getting up at 5:30 unless I absolutely have to. So my quiet time for devotions and Bible reading has moved to breakfast with Jonathan.

Over the last year I've been doing my quiet times by going through books that Beth Moore wrote. Each has been a 90 study on a person from the Bible. I've done Jesus and David and right now I'm on Paul. I just love how God speaks to me precisely where I'm at in life. He offers encouragement, peace, instruction, and so much more!

This morning, the passage in Acts was about when Paul was being transferred Caesarea. In other words, from one place to another. Throughout the passage, you can read how there were prayers offered up on behalf of Paul while he was traveling and to be bold in Jesus in the next place in sharing God's love with others.

We should never underestimate the effects of our prayers for others. A dear friend of mine reminded me last year that each prayer releases the power of God. You guys have seen God's power this last year, right? I certainly have! I know that God can deliver anyone from anything at any time. He doesn't need any help. Yet He invites us to be part of His great work through prayer. If we don't intercede for one another, we miss opportunities to see His deliverance and thank Him for His faithfulness. (this was all so skillfully written by Beth Moore ... definitely not me!) God is faithful!

I just had to share what God showed me this morning. It was too good to keep to myself. I pray you are able to enjoy the blessing of a growing relationship with Jesus.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas with family and friends. Have a great time celebrating the reason for the season ... Jesus!

MRI results

Last Friday I had an MRI done. I always go in prepared to be in the machine for around 2 hours, wear my earplugs, take my Ativan, calm myself for the needle poke for the contrast, and also to freeze my tail off. I drank a ton of water that morning so my veins would be plump for the contrast injection. I'm always paranoid about it. Needless to say, I had to go to the bathroom quite a bit.

I arrived on time and pretty much went in. After I changed into my gown and was laying on the cold and hard table, I asked for a blanket. Guess what?! This time, they gave me one; and it was heated! Miracle #1. I know that may seem dumb, but the 1st MRI I had at this hospital, I remember shaking uncontrollably because I was so cold. By the time I was given the blanket, I realized I should have worn warmer socks. I made a mental note for the next MRI in 2 months. The imaging started and I was quickly reminded of how loud it is to get an MRI. I wanted to cry. Even though I had earplugs in, it still felt like I was hearing a jackhammer right next to me. About 20 minutes into the scan I opened my eyes for a split second and saw how enclosed I was. Big mistake! I had a mini panic attack. All I remember is wanting to squeeze the ball they give you to alert them if you're having a problem and telling them I'd have to do this on another day and then praying. I wanted to cry but didn't want my nose to stop up so I couldn't breathe. Finally, after what felt like hours, I was rolled out of the machine and then contrast put in. I told the tech. doing it that he only had one chance to get the needle in. If he couldn't, then get someone who is good with needles and small veins. Then I prayed again. He was good with needles and got it in on the first try. After finishing with that, I told him thank you and that he did a good job. I also let him know that I had been praying for him the whole time he was poking me. He laughed and said, "Me too!" Oh and he let me use the restroom. It was a much needed break not only because I drank a ton that morning, but also because I was out of the machine for 5 minutes. Another miracle.

We finished the MRI and then I cried. I was just so overwhelmed. Then it hit me. I had forgotten to take my Ativan that morning! No wonder I was freaking out inside the machine! I WON'T forget that next time, for sure. So, I'm glad the MRI for these 2 months is over and I don't have another one for another 2 months. I'm looking forward to the day when the dr starts spacing them out even more.

My results came out clear, praise the Lord. Another miracle! My oncologist was very happy with my current progress. He took me off a couple more meds and said that should help with my nausea.

This Friday, I have another important dr. visit with the gynecologist. I'll find out answers to questions like if I can get pregnant again and other girly stuff.

Here's how to pray:
- Gynecology appt. on Friday at 1:45 - pray that I remember all of the questions I'd like answered.
- My health - I have a bad cold. Please pray it doesn't turn into bronchitis.

Home Sweet Home

Well, we've been home for a little over a week now and it's nice to be back. We (me, Andrew & Jonathan) had a wonderful time during our visit to AZ. We stayed with Philip & Angela & Jonathan tried learning how to share toys with Parker. We need a little more practice. He wasn't very nice about it. Another exciting event while in AZ, besides Thanksgiving was how I was able to be a part of one of my previous student's baptism. In his testimony video, Aidan shared how he wanted Miss Lindsey to baptize him, but knew that it would require me to fly all the way out there and that it most likely wouldn't happen. Well, we surprised him and we had the joy together to take that next step in his walk with Jesus. I love seeing kids grow in Jesus!! We were able to visit with lots of friends that feel like family. We also were able to say goodbye this time. It's been almost a year since I up & left & was diagnosed with brain cancer. I'm so thankful that my family was able to make the trip.

The Thursday after we returned I met with my speech therapist at home. She has told me, pretty much from the beginning, how she didn't think I needed her. She thought my memory was fine. Anyway, Thursday was my last visit with her at my house. She was going to refer me to an out patient clinic to continue working, but said I didn't need it. As long as I use my strategies, such as writing things down, making lists, etc. I was able to invite my speech therapist to church. So yay God! No more speech therapy & and invite too!

The next day, Friday, I had an MRI. It was very hard for me this time. I opened my eyes for a split second and saw how enclosed I was and had a mini panic attack. I just prayed my way through it. I don't know how many times I prayed "Jesus help me." Sometimes I cried it. I knew I could get through it, because God had brought me through them before. It was just a very challenging test this time. Since I have MRI's every 2 months now, I'll have to remember to take my Ativan so I'll be calm and hopefully fall asleep. I'm not sure how long the results take. This MRI will also reveal what the bump on my head is.

This past weekend we went to Walmart (a 30 minute drive for us) and Lowe's to buy our Christmas tree. We found our favorite frozen Chinese food & birthday supplies for Jonathan's upcoming special day & finally, we found our pretty tree.

On Sunday, there was a surprise at church. The Watoto Children's Choir from Africa was there! I love watching and hearing African children praise the Lord. They have so much passion! If you get a chance, go to youtube.com & type in "Watoto Children's Choir Not Forgotten" you will be blessed for sure. I told Andrew that Heaven had to be like hearing those kids sing. It was too much fun!

Coming this week I have an appointment with my oncologist. I have no idea what this visit is for. Probably just to check in & go over the MRI results.

Ways to pray ...
- results of MRI to be clear
- my witness to Sabrina (speech therapist) & that she experienced Jesus when she was with me
- bump on my head to be nothing serious

Sharing some blessings ...

Since it's been so long since my last post, it's time I share the blessings God has given me over the past couple months. Just to update from the last post on Andrew ... he had the surgery and healed just fine. He said it doesn't feel as if it helped, but we'll still go through with the other foot. We just aren't sure of when. He did have a reaction to the betadyne (sp) they used for surgery and had a very irritating rash. So as a result, he'll be seeing an allergist, I think, to figure out just what exactly he's allergic to.

Not too long after Andrew had his surgery, I had my shunt removal. So now I am shunt free! Before the shunt removal, the doctors had to do a test where they injected a dye in the shunt I had to see if it wasn't working. They only wanted to take it out if my body was doing everything on it's own. I was really nervous about the procedure because it involved a needle in my head while I was awake. I remember crying when the dr. told me. I was pretty scared. The Lord held my right hand and we made it through it together. :)

So I had my surgery and then two weeks later, which ended up this past Tuesday, we went back in for a wound check. The PA said everything looked great and to come back on December 19. I now can sit at home without a big white bandage on my head. I only put the bandage on if I'm going out and want to wear my hat.

Last week I had a day long appointment with a psychologist to evaluate what sort of speech therapy I will need. My at home nurse informed me that speech therapy helps with memory so that's why they've signed me up to begin. The tests were quite difficult. After I explained to Andrew what sort of questions were asked, he said they sounded very similar to IQ testing. I was in tears by the end of the appointment. For a lot of the questions that I couldn't answer I felt dumb or like a failure. I often felt overwhelmed and just wanted to get out of there. But the Lord helped me through that too.

My at home nurse comes 3 times a week to help with my memory. I've been playing solitaire and boggle a lot lately. Please pray for me next week because I meet with my nurse on Monday & Tuesday & then I have another 2 hour appointment with the psychologist right before we leave for an out of town visit at 12:00. I'm thinking I'll be overwhelmed again! But God is going to help me just like He has up to this point.

That's all for now. We'll be going to church tomorrow. Hopefully Jonathan will stay in his class instead of cry. :) I know he can do it!

Things to pray for:
- Psych. appointment on Wednesday
- Travel mercies on Wednesday & Sunday

I'll be praying with you all. Y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving. Be sure to count your blessings too!

Prayers for Andrew

My sweet hubby goes in for his 6th foot surgery. This time doctors will be taking hardware out. Hopefully this will help with the pain he's been having. We won't know if he'll have the same surgery on his right foot until we see if it works for the left. We will be there at 6:15 to start the process.

Praying for:
- Andrew foot surgery to remove hardware
- His recovery (only supposed to be 2 weeks
- Surgeons

Thanks guys!

The Prognosis

Yesterday, after labs, I met with a new doctor. He's a neurologist (brain dr.) I figured it would be the routine examination, questions, and then the dr. would tell me when to go back for labs. Instead I was met with some quite shocking news. I remember I just sort of sat through the appointment and then vented when I got home. The prognosis is as follows ...

To my understanding, this is what the dr. said. I have 2-5 years and my cancer will reoccur, we just don't know when. Like I said, SHOCKING! The news was not a possibility, it was more like a probability. I didn't even know what to say in the office. I was thankful for the dr. laying it all out for me, honestly and completely. Oh yeah ... MRIs every 2 months.

When I got home I cried to Andrew and Mom about how hard it was to be strong still knowing what lies ahead. I cried about the unknown. I felt mad about doing all my treatments for nothing. (Probably not the case, since I'm here now). And for the first time with this whole cancer stuff, I asked God why? I was aggravated that no one else had told me the tumor would return before, if they knew it. I was told my tumor was 100% resected, at the beginning of my journey.

By the end of the night, after many tears, I knew sleep would help. This morning, I got up and was reminded of the words of encouragement my Mom and Andrew had offered the night before. God is still in control. This hasn't taken Him by surprise. and God WILL get glory if my cancer returns. They were both very helpful in pointing out God's hand in things and listening to my unreasonable fears. Even now, I can't write about all this without crying.

So that's where we're at right now. Every 2 months we'll do MRIs. I'll still do my labs.

Jesus Loves Me

Today I had labs and an appointment with my oncologist about the PET scan and MRI from last week. Only the PET scan was ready for viewing. Now earlier while praying for courage for the IV part, I asked God to make the scans as clear as a reflection if something was wrong. I was thankful though, when Dr. Wanko told me the PET scan looked clean. MRIs will be read later & I see them again next week.

On our way out there was a young man playing "Jesus Loves Me" on a piano in the main lobby. I didn't think anything of it other than, "Hey I know that song!" Later on, when we got home, Mom asked if I had heard what he was playing. It's like God was saying, "See? I took care of something else for ya! I love you!" When I got home, I looked up the lyrics for the song and found a super cool line. It goes ...

Jesus loves me! Loves me still
When I'm very weak and ill
From His shining throne on high
Come to watch me where I lie

Is that not the coolest thing ever?!?!? I love little gifts like that from my Heavenly Father. He's so good to me!

My counts for blood work were all good. The dr. was very happy to see those. Still waiting for the hemoglobin to come up a little more before I have my surgery to remove my shunt.

So that's where we are this week. Mom is going home for a fun camping trip at Disney with Michelle's little family. They are all going to have so much fun!! Pray for their safety.

Yessssss Jesus loves youuuuu!!!! Talk with y'all later!

1,2,3 ... bee sting

Today I had the first of what I think are many scans to come. At 11 this morning, I went in for a PET scan. A PET scan was done to see my current condition with the brain cancer. I had never had one before so I was pretty nervous. Andrew brought home some paperwork that told me what I could and couldn't eat 12 hours before and then what I could and could not have 4 hours before starting. Last night's dinner was chicken and dumplins with greens, corn, and peach cobbler. Oh ... I've taken up drinking .... pot liquor. (For those of you freaking out, pot liquor is the juice from fixin' collard greens.)

In being paranoid about veins not popping up and such, I woke up this morning at 6:15 to eat something for breakfast and then sit and wait until it was time to go. Thank the Lord, I fell back to sleep for an hour after I finished eating breakfast. I didn't just stay awake and dread what was coming. I've done that before.

So the time came to leave and go to the hospital. I took a couple Ativan to calm my nerves. I drank quite a bit of water and then grabbed a warm cloth to hold on my arm on the way.

I went back pretty quick. Normally I'd have Andrew or Mom go back with me for any needle pokes. This time I went by myself. I felt the Holy Spirit tell me earlier to just trust him and see what He could do. He'd helped me with IV's back when I was pregnant and didn't have anyone with me.

After the nurse finished the IV I said out loud, "Thank you Jesus!" The nurse turned around and looked at me and said, "My name is Evette." I went to say thank you to her but she had already walked out the door. When she returned, I mentioned to her that Jesus had made her and that's why I was thankful to have someone who knew what they were doing with a needle. No reply. Another seed planted, I guess. I feel like that seeds thrown fell on the path or rocks.

In the Bible there is a parable about a sower who was planting seeds and then Jesus explained the seeds' landing. The full story can be found in Matthew 13:1-23. It's a pretty neat word picture. If you've read this before, take another look at it. God's Word speaks fresh daily. Ask Him how your "farmin'" is going. OH, and don't forget to pray for the seeds you've planted! God is listening!

I'm gunna run and eat dinner. Andrew cooked tonight! Thank you Jesus for husbands who help in the kitchen. :)

Ding, Ding, Ding!

In and through Jesus, I have now completed my fourth and final round of chemo! On the way out, I rang the bell to mark my race run being done. Now, it's the recovery journey. I've been told since it took 4 months to go through chemo, I need to at least give myself that much time to start feeling normal again. Maybe some traveling in the future? I ache to see family in FL and friends in AZ.

I went in for labs today and was feeling pretty crummy from the neupogen shots. I later found out it's because they in essence give you the flu-like soreness throughout your body for about 2 weeks to try to boost the white blood cells. Mom and I pray after each shot (nightly). I won't miss these things at all when we're done. Y'all know how I LOVE needles.  So one night I thanked God for the pain the medicine caused because that way I knew it was working. I told God it was hard for me to thank him for something that hurt, but I needed to. I am grateful dangit!

I knew I was feeling bad from those shots because it had happened the last 3 rounds of chemo. I was trying to brace myself for this next round of soreness. Yesterday was a pretty tough day and I was not looking forward to labs and being pushed on. God is good, though, and with my LMX (numbing cream) I didn't even feel the needle go in! I like when that happens.

Labs came back fine. They gave me hydration which helped because I was feeling very tired. Feeling a little better now.

Things to pray for:
-Neupogen shots to continue to work.
-My courage with those dang things. It's a daily thing I ask God for.
-Ferrio - the nurse I witnessed to. Pray that God would send someone to water the seed planted.
-Andrew - he's been having headaches a lot lately. I think it's from stress.
-I still struggle with fear of the unknown of recovery, You'd think I'd be fine, but the devil's lies sound pretty good.

So just as so many of you have said, "PRAISE THE LORD!" Jesus has held my hand through treatment and I know he'll hold my hand through recovery.

Getting closer

This past week seemed like it took forever to happen. On Saturday evening, I started to run a fever of 102. I had to go to the ER because that's what ya do when you get a fever with chemo. I thought I was only going to be there overnight, but it turned into a week long stay. While in the hospital, they gave me antibiotics, potassium, platelets, and a bunch of other stuff through IV. All of it was able to be done through my port, thank you Jesus! Oh and I was able to witness to one of my nurses! It was a corny way .... the donut man way, but it happened and I pray the seed is watered.

Now I'm home for a little break before I go in for my LAST round of chemo. I'm so thankful the Lord has been gracious in allowing me to come home and just breathe, love on my boys and much more before I go in for another week long stay in the hospital. I am getting tired of their food.

I have labs tomorrow and the white blood count levels will determine when chemo begins. I'm ready to get it done and over with.

Praise the Lord:
- out of the hospital
- no more nupegen (sp) shots for a little bit

Things to pray for:
- one of the antibiotics they sent me home with makes me extra nauseas
- that my body will continue to "get ready" for this last round
- my mom - she's been doing so much to help out
- Andrew - has been experiencing some headaches & weird stuff going on with his left arm

1 more to go!!

When we went to pick up Mom from the airport on I had a BIG surprise. My Daddy came back with her!! I had no idea and was in shock the whole way home. I just kept saying, "My Daddy's here!" It's been so nice to have him here.

The Lord has brought me through another round of chemo. Now I have a 20 day break before my last one and I don't go in for labs until Wednesday. I did need to have a blood transfusion right before leaving. 

One of the many blessing God gave me in the hospital was a Nurse Practioner who was available to do my IV. He uses an ultrasound machine to help him find good veins. He's one of 2 people in the whole hospital who knows how to correctly use this machine. So it was a HUGE blessing that he was there to help. Oh ... and he was moving the next day, because he's going to work on his Ph.D. Now,  I know you guys know I asked for any other names those who knew how to use the ultrasound machine. That was the first question I asked after he told me he was leaving. You'd better believe it! Anyway, Danchenko (the Nurse Practioner's name) was able to get a pretty good vein. He warned me it would take a little longer just because he wanted to be sure before he stuck me. All around this guy is just a big blessing. I'd say a miracle to have during my stay. It was nice to have my Daddy's hand to hold through the process too!

Another blessing, I hope I was, was when the doctors and nurses would come in for rounds. The last couple days they were all surprised at my numbers and how good everything looked. I just kept telling them it was because of God. I pray that every single time I say "because of God" it causes each one to question their faith and how God is working in their own life. Oh how I pray my mountain and journey, whatever God brings my way, is a light to shine His glory and nothing else.

Oh...oh I have another one! I gained a lb! Woo Hoo! The oncologist told me to eat breads and pasta to try to help. Aside from the nausea, I would've said, "No problem!" But my nausea really messes up things up with appetite.

Like last month, I made it out of the hospital by Friday evening. I was able to sleep pretty well with being back in my own bed, next to my husband, and not having to get up to use the bathroom 5 (not kidding) during the night.

So there's round 3 update for you. God did quite a bit, eh? Jesus is still my Healer and I thank him every single time I swallow any pills or simple things like that. Everyone should just take a second and either sing or look up Steve Fee's Glory to God Forever. That's my theme song this past round. I should have one for each round! Stay tuned. With chemo brain, I might forget.

I can't believe I only have one more treatment left! God has been so good to me!!

Quick & Short

On my way to hospital for round 3 of chemo. I'll be there until Friday or Saturday, so that means I won't be back on until then.

Things to pray for ...
- that we can have everything done like last time (using port instead of IV), same dosage of chemo for each one (I have 3 different ones), they had lowered the 2nd days' dosage for toxicity reasons and my liver count numbers weren't the best.
- that me, my Mom and Dad, and Andrew will be able to communicate with the doctors & nurses in an understandable way
- my continued witness to a nurse named Ferrio. 

Through the Storm

We've had a lot go on to keep me from blogging lately. I know last post I talked about continuing with chemo. That's still the plan. My next round should start on the 16th.
My numbers from labs continue to do what they did last time ... so everything's normal. One of my favorite things about the week before chemo is no Nupegen shots!! That means I don't have to dread 9:00 at night. Yet, Mom has learned that poking the needle in rather than slowly pushing it in doesn't hurt. Now we know for next time.
I've had platelets at my last lab visits ... Friday, Monday, & today. I was given blood on Friday but not any other visit. There's this cream called LMX that is a numbing cream with lidocaine in it and I put that on my port site an hour before. I used it once but didn't have it on long enough, so I didn't think it worked. I tried it again and yay! i didn't feel the poke! Woo Hoo! Oh ... and I gained a lb. but can seem to get over 100. It's very frustrating!
Friday night we had a really bad storm. It looked like a hurricane outside. Andrew had me and mom in the bathroom and was trying to get a signal on his emergency radio because we had lost power. That storm put us on the news, along with millions of others who were without power. The Lord was looking out for us because we were only without power for Friday night and all day Saturday. Thank you Jesus.
Something exciting we did this past weekend is try out a church called Church of the Redeemer out. One of the women in our apartment complex told us about it. I really enjoyed his sermon on finances and his preaching style. Jonathan cried, so Andrew missed a lot of the sermon.
So I have this coming week off with Andrew and then will start chemo on the 16th. Here are things to pray for.

Weight gain - yep ... still an issue
3rd round of chemo

God is good and I'm so glad He's taking care of me. He's taking care of you too!!

How God Has Been Working This Past Week ...

In my last entry, I covered how Andrew, me, and my Momma were fasting from Facebook & seeking out what God wanted for my personal chemo plan - to continue or not. I felt a peace about going on. I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to press on! and to continue to allow Him to use me through my journey.

I am now 1/2 way through my chemo rounds. I have 2 left! Woo Hoo! I've been home a few days now and it still quite hasn't hit me that I'm on my break. While in the hospital, I kept dreaming about being in the apartment, at home and now that I'm at home, I keep dreaming I'm at the hospital. The devil's really been getting me here because the dreams have often been about unnecessary procedures being forced upon me. Of course, in those dreams ... Andrew and Mom are no where to be found to help me. So please pray that I have peaceful sleep while I'm at home.

So this weekend is almost over and I have labs on Tuesday. I'll be taking my book and Ipad this time. I have a feeling some transfusion, whether it be blood or platelets will be taking place. I've been very tired this weekend and I don't remember it being this exhausting last time.

Each time I got into the hospital, I try to wait and watch God point out which nurse He wants me to be an extra blessing to. During my first one, it was with a nurse named Angelique. Well, God brought her to minister to me, more than the other way around. I remember chatting with her about the frustrations I was having and being nervous about what was ahead. What she told me next has stuck with me until now. I often ask God to give me no side effects with my meds, but Angelique reminded me that those side effects let everyone know that the medicine is working for me. So I try to remind myself of that each time I feel nauseated, my mouth burns, or I'm really tired. I'll tell you about the next nurse later.

This weekend is supposed to be my nader point (when all counts are really low). It's normal for chemo patients. I'm just curious exactly how tired I'm going to feel and I'm this exhausted now. I do remember my oncologist telling me people often didn't work a job on my regimen. It'd be too much. I just feel so lazy sometimes. I'm still going on walks with Mom and Jonathan.

Good news! I had a sliver of brownie last night! I'm working on packing on the pounds ... maybe a few more pieces would help. Andrew made some the other night and I just couldn't get over how good it tasted. Oh, and for the first time since last year, I got up in the middle of the night and ate cereal. That should help me gain weight too right?

Alright, that's all I can think of right now. Here are some things to pray for in the next few days .... or until I am able to get back on here.

- Weight gain
- Nupegen shots continue to work
- Next round of chemo
- Being a witness for Jesus to my medical staff

Okay ... get on those knees! I know God hears every one! Thanks guys. :o)

Coming Up This Week

This past week, I've not been on the computer too much because I've been fasting from FB & I know that's how most of you read this. My mom and I took a week-long break from Facebook to seek out God's will for me with the rest of my chemo treatments. I was prepared for either answer, knowing both would take a great amount of faith. We made it through the week and at the end, I asked Mom what the Holy Spirit had revealed to her. We had the same thing. What I heard from the Lord was to press on. How can He help others without my doing the rest of my treatments?

This past Sunday, after listening to a sermon from Craig Groeschel on lifechurch.tv, we all went to DC to try a museum out. Our first pick was the Native American Museum. I'm so glad we had the wheelchair. I don't think I would've been able to do all that walking. We had fun, but were pretty tired at the end of the day.

So, as far as treatment goes, I'm going in tonight to start hydration and then chemo will begin tomorrow. After this treatment, I'll have 2 left! How I react to the chemo could be different each time, so please continue to pray about that. Another very important thing to pray for is my weight. I'm still having a hard time gaining. I am now down to 95, which isn't that far from my normal. Even so, it's not a great number. I'm very frustrated because I've been eating as much as I can and I still don't see results. I'm afraid a feeding tube is coming?! It's hard to stretch your stomach and eat a normal portion after you've been eating half of that for so long. I really AM trying even though it often doesn't look like it. I've tried drinking Ensure and/or Boost plus, but they are SO sweet they give me a stomach ache on top of the nausea. One morning I got sick because I turned around to fast while I was putting dishes away. The next morning, I threw up because of the smell of eggs. So that made things even more frustrating since I had just eaten and you know how you really don't feel like eating anything after getting sick. Andrew was so good though! He usually needs a bucket right next to you for himself, but he kept his distance checking on me and poured me some ginger ale. What a great guy I have! He is a blessing for sure.

The nausea is still there almost all the time. The dr. gave me some patch that looks like a band-aid to help. I feel like it does a little bit. I still take my zofran, ativan, and composine throughout the day though.

Okay, I gave you new things to pray for, an update on last week's happenings, and now I'll probably not blog for another week since I'm going into the hospital tonight.

Thanks again for your prayers and encouragement. They help me through my "run away" moments, when I just want to be somewhere else with none of this happening.

Have a great week in the Lord!

A New Kind of Thankful

Today I had my support group meeting. Every first and third Thursday of the month, I meet with about 10 women that all have cancer and we talk with a psychologist about different topics. Today was about relationships.

We covered a lot in our 2 hours together. We talked about everything from communication challenges between spouses to how to handle when others want to help or when they expect too much of you. I found several of the women mentioning how lots of people think once you're done with chemo or whatever treatment regimen you were given, many around us think, "Oh, they're done, they should be back to normal now." That's not the case. It's a stereotype I believed until today. I knew my body would take a week or so to feel better, but these women were saying it was more like months and sometimes even a year. I'm not discouraged, just thankful, because now I can communicate with others better now that I know.

When we talked about communicating with family, mothers became topic. I almost cried when talking about mine. There was one woman who said she had the expectation that her mom would come and help out or at least offer when she found out her daughter had cancer and she didn't. It was heartbreaking to hear of a momma who for whatever reason wasn't there for her daughter when she clearly needed her. The woman was saying she doesn't have a great relationship with her mom and she thinks that's why she isn't helping her today.

I hugged my Mom long and hard afterward and told her how thankful I was to have her here with me during this time.

After my group, I had labs. So I went to get my labs done assuming we'd be there for another 4 hours getting platelets. My labs came back showing the important numbers had gone up. Not much, but they had gone up and I didn't need platelets right now. I go back in the morning to test again. I'm thankful I have a lidocaine cream, because even with a port, being stuck one day after another can be tender.

Oh and good news ... I mean great news! I don't have to have the shots anymore for right now. So tonight, I don't have to dread 9:00 and Mom doesn't have to give them anymore for now. We were both happy about that one!

This Saturday, we're going to this place called Butler's Orchard. You get to pick your own strawberries and blueberries. We're pretty excited about doing that family outing.

So things to pray for ...
- My counts continue to rise on the levels that need it the most
- I continue to gain weight
- Continued blessing and strength for my husband and mom who are doing extra to take care of me and Jonathan.

God Brought Me Through It

In the time between the last blog, lots has happened. I’ve had the stem cell harvest, my first chemo treatment, blood & platelet transfusions, and am now at home on a break before my next chemo treatment.

The stem cell harvest process was boring, just like my psychologist told me. I took a book (thanks Rachel Moore), my phone (for music), a couple magazines, and some dvd’s. Mom and I ended up watching Narnia together over a couple of nights. One of the side effects I had during the harvest was my feet and hands would get really tingly. Like when something falls asleep on your body. When I felt that, I had to eat a handful of TUMS. They worked. The stem cell harvest process started on my birthday, May 16 and was supposed to take as long as needed to get the 10 millions stem cells required. It took my 2 days for all those to be collected. Answered prayer right there that I didn’t haven’t to stay in the hospital for a week just for that. Now I don’t remember the placing of the catheter for this process. I had two plastic tubes sticking out of the left side of my neck. I couldn’t really straighten my head because of how it was taped, so it was pretty uncomfortable. I DO remember when they took it out. That hurt quite a bit. It felt like the doctor was putting his thumb in a hole in my neck. He probably was to stop bleeding or whatever. Ugh ... don’t like to think about it. God brought me through it. :)

Between the stem cell harvest and chemo, I went to the dentist and had a disappointing appt. It was found that I have 10 surface cavities. My own fault. I had not been to the dentist since I’d been married. I knew better. At least they’re all surface and easy to fix. Also, while at the dentist, we were told about a mouthwash called Mugard. I would swish or swallow if that’s where pain was for a minute. It’s supposed to be a help with one of the chemo’s side effects of your mouth swelling and essentially being burned. Mouth blisters and stuff like that. This Mugard wash is supposed to coat my mouth and protect it from all that rough stuff happening. I had a taste of that with radiation and it was pretty painful. It was very difficult to eat because of pain when swallowing. So even with a dentist visit that revealed way more that I wanted ... God brought me through it. :)

Next was the first chemo treatment Tuesday, May 22. I went in the night before to be admitted. The next day we started and they gave me the “big guns” with the nausea medicine. Man did that stuff work. I asked them why they couldn’t give it to me all the time since it worked so well. The doctor said it was because they wouldn’t have anything stronger to give me if I was feeling even more sick. It was supposed to last 5 days. I have 3 more doses of the 3 different kinds of chemo. After that, I should be done! Through the weight loss, I’ve still been able to eat. God has brought me through it. :)

I went in for some labwork last Friday thinking, “Oh, I’ll go in and then come home and start my weekend.” Not the case this time. My white blood cell count is almost not detectable, which is normal, according to my oncologist. Still kinda scary hearing your body has nothing to fight anything off. So now is the time I have to be SUPER careful around anyone with the sniffles or has been sick. Especially Jonathan. As a result of a   .1 white blood cell count showing up, I had to have 2 units of blood and 1 unit of platelets. That was an all day process. We arrived at the lab at 8:30 and didn’t leave until around 5:00. Totally wasn’t expecting that which meant I didn’t bring anything to pass the time. I’m learning how to fall asleep sitting up more and more. My nurse was wonderful. She reminded me of a sweet woman I grew up with, so that helped my anxiety. She brought me a pillow and blanket and was just great. She had to take my vitals it seemed like every 5 minutes. It was probably more like 10-15. I felt so much better as I was leaving then when I had come in. Getting blood was what I needed most I guess. Maybe it was the platelets. Let’s just say both. I joked with Andrew in sending him pictures each time saying I was getting pineapple juice and and strawberry daquiri. Ugh ... I don’t wanna talk about that anymore either. I learned boredom on a whole new level! Mom was with me the entire time and helped me in whatever way she could making me comfortable. God brought me through it. :)

So that’s why I have the title of this blog God brought me through it. A lot has happened.

My next treatment should be around the end of the month. I’ll keep you posted when it gets closer.

Here are some new things to pray about ...
Weight gain - I still need to gain weight. Every lb. is essential. I’m at 100 right now, I need to be a little bit more. With nutrition, not with fluid.
Digestive system to work the way it should. Just being real with y’all. With nausea and constipation together, it makes for a pretty miserable feeling. Makes it hard to do a lot of stuff.
Thank God for my Momma being here and doing so much. Oh ... and for my family that allows me to have her. I love them in a new way because of this.
Thank God for Andrew’s boss being so understanding with all of this medical stuff. She’s been great with letting him come be with me or watch the baby to give Mom a break.
Jonathan - he’s been acting out a lot lately. I know he’s only 1 and 1/2, but a whiny baby all day is tough to rest with. I’m sure he’s just thrown off with all this stuff going on.
GSF shots - every night, Mom has to give me a shot (you guys know how I LOVE needles). I dread it each time. But God helps us both. I can’t imagine what she’s going through with having to give them knowing how I feel about it. We always pray afterward. Pray that these really boost my counts.

Home for Mother's Day!

Surgery went well on Friday. I told Mom and Andrew I was asking God to help me get out of there by Saturday sometime. Well, we left the hospital Saturday evening. All God. Something that's never happened with surgery before is now different parts of my face are swollen. The surgeon said it's pretty normal and should go down with time. The swelling happened because of the way he had me laying on the table?! So right now, I look like Quasi Modo (totally not joking), which might turn into a black eye later and the right side of my face looks like someone punched me. Well my whole face looks like that right now. I can see out of my left eye just fine, but by looking at it you'd probably think I couldn't. It's almost closed.

Another challenge is I'm having a hard time eating. Not because my throat is scratchy or hurts, because it does, from the breathing tube. I'm feeling nausea all the time and can only take zofran 3 times a day. So annoying because I'm losing weight again. :( I guess I'll have to start drinking ensure again! Ugh!!

Something else that I'm not sure if Mom has posted on FB, but I now have to have growth factor shots twice a day, in my belly. The poke isn't bad, it's the medicine going in. It stings. I just hold Andrew's hand and breathe through it. Oh, and Mom has to give it to me. I feel so bad for her. Most of you might know how much I hate needles. I'm much better than before, when I was a little girl. I wouldn't have an anxiety attack, but I'd be pretty close. I have passed out just hearing people talk about them. Mom used to be a nurse back in the day, so I wanted her doing it over Andrew. So yesterday in the hospital, I had my first GFS. I had a nurse do it. I've had shots in my belly before and the pole didn't really hurt at all, just the medicine going in. I asked the nurse to take it slow. She didn't know I meant quick poke, slow injection. Therefore I felt all of the needle going in AND the sting of the injection. Mom had her first one last night and was pretty nervous. Like ready to cry, nervous. They key to the poke not hurting too bad is to grab enough skin. Well, with my weight loss, I don't have much there. She grabbed some, poked and then realized she didn't have enough. She had to get more skin to pinch and did it again. So I just squeezed Andrew's hand and started breathing through the pain. It's not excruciating, but I was trying not to tense up. Then she was done. I told her how much I was proud of her, since I know doing this for me is incredibly hard and thanked her. She said "I can't say you're welcome yet." So please pray for my sweet Mom. This is so hard for her.

I have those shots twice a day. 8 and 8. Tomorrow will be the first one without Andrew's hand to hold and squeeze. I know I can do ALL things through Christ.

That's the update for now. Surgery is complete ... finally :) and this coming week is full of appointments.

I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day. I know I'm super grateful for my Momma. Oh how I love her.

This month is packed full!

Tomorrow begins a very busy rest of the month. I'll be on my way the hospital in the morning around 4:45 and start the in processing of all the surgery stuff. Saturday, I begin my growth factor shots.(Pray for Mom, she's nervous about giving them to me.) I think I'll have those 2-3 times daily in my belly.

Monday, I have this group (sort of like a support group) called Look Good, Feel better from 10-12. Then it's off to another doctor at 2:30.

Tuesday evening sometime, I have to be admitted the the hospital to get ready start the stem cell harvest. The next day, they'll actually do the harvest.

Thursday, I'm hoping I can go to my support group. I know there will be times I miss it.

Then on the 21 or 22, we'll start chemo and then a lupron shot comes later.

See? I told you it's packed. I'm sure there will be lots of labs in between, like every 3 days. I'm not sure how long I'll be in the hospital each time after chemo. At the end, I'll include new ways to pray.

Lately ... well for just about 3 weeks, since my surgery was postponed 3 times, I've been asking God to give me the same courage He gave David, Gideon, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, Daniel, Esther, Joshua & Caleb, the disciples, and even Jesus. I feel like I need that kinda courage going into this next phase and pretty much the whole time. I know those names above are probably not in the right order with the way they came up in the Bible. I know the Lord will give it to me because He has up to this point. He's my Provider of ALL things!

New ways to pray:
- Even though I'm resting in the peace of Jesus before all this happens, the human side of me creeps in sometimes and my anxiety goes up. I guess that means I'm not resting huh?
-The stem cell catheter that will be put in my neck. Lots of people tell me that there isn't much pain involved; but since I had that port put in, I don't take anyone's word. So pray that it's not too painful. Or that it's not nearly as painful as the port procedure.
- Growth Factor shots - the doctor said we need 10 million. More would be better. So prayer for 15 million! Hey God can do it!!
- Stem Cell Harvest - I've been told it's a long boring process because you just sit there and let the machine do the work. I have a great book I'm reading and I have my iphone for music.
- Dr. Davidson - surgeon that will be operating on my tomorrow. (& nurses too!)
- My weight - I keep going up a couple and then I lose it. It's pretty frustrating. Please pray that I can continue to gain more weight. I need every pound.
- my stays in the hospital will be short.

That's all I can remember now. God answers prayers!! Let's see how He answers these!! I claim Jesus is my Healer!!

Support in New Friends

Today, I went to my very first ever Support Group. We sat and talked about our journeys with cancer. I wasn't crazy about going at first because I don't like talking in groups of people I don't know, no matter what the size. I'm a one-on-one kinda person with counseling or venting. I learn a lot from listening to others and taking notes.

I saw in a group of 9 women, including myself, as we introduced ourselves, shared what type of cancer we were fighting, where we were in our fight (diagnosis, what kind of treatment, etc.), and finally any questions about today's topic of discussion - communicating with your doctors and nurses. 

I have always thought you just go in to a doctor's office or the hospital and let them do whatever because they always know best. Today, I learned that is not always the case. Not that I lost confidence in all doctors, but the importance of speaking up on my own behalf. Being my own advocate. Here are some important things I learned ...

- I can ask as many questions as I want. I shouldn't worry about taking up my doctor's time because he or she has someone else more important to see.

- If I know something doesn't work for me, then say it. They aren't in my body and do not feel what I'm feeling. 

- Write your questions down. It's ok to take someone with you or write things down.

- If your doctor doesn't know something about what you're feeling, they can't help.

- Be your own advocate - you can and should speak up

It was nice to be surrounded by other women who are going through the same stuff. Even though the majority of women in the group either was being treated for and completed treatment for breast cancer, I often saw us shaking our heads at similar comments or questions.

At the end of the session, when we were leaving, one of the ladies stopped me and asked me what I was having done for surgery. I explained everything to her. She had a really neat cap on so I asked her where she bought it. I have one, but this one was like a breathable beanie. She took it off and said, "Here, take mine. I have lots of others at home." I was shocked that she just gave me her hat. She was fine with walking out of the hospital with a bald head. She asked me if I'd lost all of my hair yet and I took my cap off to show her I still had these fuzzy hairs that were just hanging on. She laughed and then helped me put my cap back on. As we were walking out, I told her she was my blessing for the day. :) Her spontaneous generosity blew me away. I know God will give me an opportunity in the future to bless someone else.

I didn't have my surgery on Friday because some wounded soldiers were in need of it more. So the new surgery date is May 11. For all of you who prayed, thanks. I'm looking forward to a week that isn't full of appointments. Now I KNOW I'll be 100% for surgery on that day.

Scan Results

Yesterday I only had one appointment, but after leaving, I felt as though I had spent all day at NIH seeing doctors and doing scans. Emotionally I'm exhausted. The appointment yesterday was to hear the final plan for chemo and what it all entailed. I still can't even type about it without having tears fall.

Dr. Wroblewski (doctor I'm not crazy about) was the one who presented ... again. The plan for my chemo regimen is the same as before (see the post from my Mom's point of view) but at a lower dose. Instead of being in the hospital for 4 months straight, it will be a 28 day regimen with the first 4 days in the hospital. Before starting chemo, if I decide to, I will have my stem cells harvested for later use if mine completely go down hill. It's a precaution that Dr. Fine (chief oncologist at NIH) was in favor of. Skipping ahead to this Friday ... I'll have the surgery to replace my current shunt with another one. Next Wednesday, I start shots 2-3 times a day that are supposed to help boost my stem cell growth in preparation for the stem cell harvest. They need 10-12 million. So there's something to pray for! So after all the harvest, the chemo process can start. Good news is I don't have to have the port changed out. A lot of stuff can be done through the one I have. However, they do have to put some sort of catheter in my neck for the stem cell harvest. I've asked what to expect pain wise on that procedure but I don't feel like she gave me a clear answer. Please pray I don't have to feel the same amount of pain that I did when the port was put in. That hurt really bad.

After hearing the final plan, I cried ... a lot. Part out of fear of what's coming. The other part of me was asking God how much more desperate do you want me? I feel like I'm at my limit. I know His Word says He'll never give us more than we can handle. I'm feeling pretty dang close! After a good cry on Mom's shoulder, kisses and hugs from Andrew, and a nap, I'm feeling confident that God is going to help me. I just want to get started and get this all done and over with. I wore my Just Do It shirt to my appointment today, but wanted to rip it off by the end. I didn't feel I was strong enough to take on one more thing. I didn't feel like I could do anything else. I was starting to feel very alone. I know I have my sweet husband and Mom, but I'm the one sitting in the bed, being stuck lots, losing my hair, dealing with other side effects, etc.

Today, I had a follow up appointment with the radiation oncologist. I told the nurse about everything I was feeling with nerves growing back and all that. Both she and the doctor said it's normal and that chemo will bring some new side effects, as well.

Even in this time where the future looks pretty scary and exhausting, God is still good. Right now, it's moment by moment that spiritual warfare is raging. It has to be, because I'm feeling it strong. One moment I feel like ... OK, let's do this. Get started and get it over with. Then the next moment I'm  crying tears of fear. Now I KNOW in my heart that Jesus will walk with me through each step of this trial too. He's not going anywhere. He's known this chemo plan the whole time and I need to rest in confidence that He's got my back the whole way.

Things to pray for this coming week ...
- Group therapy on Thursday - I'm not one to open up in front of groups of people I don't know, so please pray I will speak when I need to. I think we'll meet once a month. I know it will be good for me to be able to talk with and listen to others that are exactly where I'm at in so many ways.
- Surgery on Friday - pray that I'm feeling 100% so we can go on with the surgery. Any other delays will put off chemo and we don't want that. Also recovery. That I'll only be in the hospital for 2-3 days. 
- my nerves - I think I have white coat syndrome. I don't even like going to the hospital for Jonathan's appointments. I can feel my blood pressure go up as soon as we get in the parking garage. It's annoying. I really do appreciate those who work in the hospital and I'm thankful I have a place to go in emergency situations.

Okay, that's it for now. Next week I'll update everyone before we start growth factor shots and the stem cell harvest. My psychologist from radiation talked with me today and put me at ease about a lot that goes into that procedure. She said it's pretty boring, just sitting there for hours while the machine removes blood, takes what is needed, and then puts it back in the body.

Thank you for your encouragement in prayer. It is so nice to know how many people around the world are lifting me up. I need that when I'm feeling like I can't stand. You are all a part of my healing!

Arrest made & no surgery, yet

Great news everyone. After another attack last night, at 9:00 pm, a young man was arrested. Police are pretty sure this is the same guy from all of the other attacks. I'm not sure of further details, but this is the only one I cared about. That whoever was doing it is now in custody of the police. I have never been gripped by fear as I was last night. It's hard to explain. The devil knows that I am struggling with fear the most right now and he was hitting me with everything he could. I couldn't write about it without crying. I'm praising Jesus now and I will be praying for mine & my family's safety in a whole new way now. Thank you for praying!!

Surgery didn't happen this morning as planned. We were debating whether or not to go through with it because the long week with NIH wore me down and I caught a cold from Jonathan. I went to see my PCM (family doctor) to see what he recommended. He didn't want to tell me either way because he didn't want anything on him. He did suggest that if I was still feeling achy, sore throat, and ear tenderness/pain, to just ask to reschedule. It wasn't worth it to go under anesthesia and come out and try to fight off being sick AND heal from a surgery. So, that's what we did. We got up this morning at 3:30 to do the surgery prep wipe down, left by 4:30 for the hospital and was in the chair ready to start an IV. I told them of course that I didn't want to be stuck unless I was for sure going into surgery. Well, they had to take blood to check levels to see how sick I was. One poke. It wasn't that bad. The nurse was great. I told him, "I'm not trying to be ugly, but you've only got one try before I ask for another nurse." He laughed and understood. So I talked with the surgeon and he said we'd reschedule for the same reasons the PCM said for next Friday.

Monday, we have an appointment at 10:00 with my oncologist, Dr. Wanko and Dr. Wroblewski (the one I'm not fond of and do not trust) At that time, we should learn my chemo regimen. Dr. Fine gave us the recommended doses and all that. He never wanted me to do the plan that was presented by Dr. Wroblewski. The creator of that protocol also didn't want me to do that chemo plan at those high doses. He suggested the lower doses. Andrew's already got his fighting gear on and is ready to fire if need be. Mom has been ready since the Dr. Wroblewski appointment lol.

My week coming up isn't quite as full as last week. I'm going to try my best to rest and get to feeling lots better so I can get this surgery done and over with.

Thanks again for the prayers for everything. God answers prayers ... He's so good to me!!!!

Get on your knees

Tomorrow morning at 5:30, I plan to be at the hospital getting ready for surgery at 7:30. The last couple of days I've been feeling pretty crummy. The run around yesterday didn't help at all. Surgery tomorrow includes shunt removal and replacement with different kind and spinal tap. I think that's all. No port replacement at the time. I should be able to use the one I have. We weren't able to meet with my oncologist today, but I DO have an appointment for Monday that will give us the final details of when chemo will begin and all that. I have what chemo drugs they'll be using and dosage amounts but we'll see what the doctor says and who will be administering it.

This afternoon, when I turned the tv on, the local news station mentioned of 3 attacks within 26 hours of each other about 8 miles up the road. All who were attacked were walking alone. The first one they are unsure of the time of attack, but the man was found dead at 6:00, the second was at 3 am with another man injured to the back of the head, the third was 37 yr old black female at 8:40 pm. All were struck in the back of the head and those alive are in serious condition.

I don't tell you this to scare y'all, but to alert you to call the angels of Heaven to protect my family, especially Andrew. He walks from our apartment complex to the bus stop early in the morning and when he gets off from work. Both are at daylight hours but it still makes me extremely nervous for his safety. My God is bigger than anything and will protect my husband! Hopefully this attacker is caught very soon. I'm trying very hard not to worry.

Okay, get to praying!

Getting My Gear On

Hey everyone. This week holds a lot of tests, but I will tell you about those in a bit. First, I want to share something cool God whispered to me this past week.

During my quiet time last week, a couple things jumped out to me as an aide in my NOW moments. First was about a passage when Luke wrote the prescription for the victorious life. He wrote it for all of us who would desire to become Christ's disciple or His follower: live life one surrendered day at a time. I am so there right now. Living each day as it comes and giving it back to Jesus. I'm thankful for each one He gives me and brings me through.

The second cool thing was how sometimes when Jesus is about to do something really special in our lives, He will rearrange our surroundings. That's exactly what He did for me almost 5 months ago. My surroundings definitely have changed. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know God is using this mountain, though it feels so steep sometimes, to bring growth spiritually.

The past few weeks have been so nice in not having appointments or procedures. I didn't realize how much I needed the break until I was in it. I'm so glad I have one day in between my scans and my surgery this week too. I have to psychologically prepare myself for these kind of things.

So this week I have 3 MRIs, 1 CT scan, pre-op surgery stuff like bloodwork, an EKG, and chest xray, and then on Friday another brain surgery. This is the one where they'll replace the shunt. I was supposed to have this surgery on April 16, but it was postponed. So please pray along with me that all scans come back clear or if something does show up, that it will be so apparent the doctors will know how to treat it.

Another thing you can be praying for is I feel as though I'm getting something, like getting sick. My throat has been scratchy all day and my ears are starting to hurt. I've been taking lots of vitamin C and gargling with warm salt water. I'd hate for this surgery to be postponed again. Chemo can't begin until I've had this surgery and healed completely from it. I know everything happens for a reason, so that's what I'm trusting in.

That's all for now. I'll let you guys know what the chief oncologist says after my Wednesday appointment. I should have a lot more clarity about my chemo plan and lots of questions answered from the previous appointment that put quite the scare in us.

Great is Thy Faithfulness!

The past couple of days, God has revealed His power to me in some new ways! It's so exciting to see Him do things over and over and just take care of me. In the mornings, while my mom or mother-in-law keeps an eye on Jonathan, I eat my breakfast and take my pills in the office so I can have my quiet time. I'm going through a 90 days with Jesus study with Beth Moore and I'm really enjoying it.

On Wednesday morning, after I finished my reading, I started to take my pills. This time, I tried taking them whole and not cut up. I've had to take them quartered for the last at least month because of my gag reflex. At the beginning of this mountain climb, back when I had the salt tablets and all of those supplements, I could take each pill whole with no problem. This is a challenge that has developed fairly recently. So this time, I tried taking it whole and guess what?! It went down with no problem!!!! I just sat there for a minute in shock that I just swallowed a whole pill, without food to help it go down. All of the sudden, a song started going in my heart. The one that goes "God is so good .... God is so good ... God is so good, He's so good to me." Now back when I had the almost unbearable pain in my legs, I was told by someone, I can't remember who, that through my tears and crying out in pain, I sang God is so good. BUT, I do remember not being able to sing the verse of "God answers prayers." In that moment, I felt like God didn't hear a single word I had prayed in asking for some kind of relief. That is the only time in my life that I felt that God had turned His back on me. I now know different. He never left me. He probably cried along with me. I'm so glad that pain is gone and I'm no longer on the steroid that caused it.
That Wednesday, in my heart, I sang "GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS!!!!" I remember telling Andrew, can you believe God just did that?! I haven't swallowed a pill whole in a really long time! I shouldn't be surprised by His faithfulness to me, but I was.
There was a split second before taking the pill that doubt crept in and the thought of throwing the calcium & colace in the garbage crossed my mind. After all, I'd take it again at lunch time. But the Holy Spirit, almost instantly spoke to my heart and said "Why do you want to throw away an opportunity to see me work?" I'm so glad I took the pills and then sat in shock at my Jesus' faithfulness in helping me. Yay God!!!

God is Working ...

I have to share with you all my latest answered prayers. I think I put in the last post how I had a surgery coming up on April 16. That has been postponed until April 27. Here are some answered prayers within that new date ...
1. I can enjoy my brother-in-law & his family & my sister-in-law coming in this weekend.
2. I am able to meet with the chief oncologist at NIH before the surgery & I should be able to have LOTS more answers on chemo plan & all that.
3. We were told that the shunt will be changed to the one that has the magnetic dial & later removed. I wanted this shunt! So yay God!
4. They can take cerebral fluid from my brain & not need to do the spinal tap!

There was something else, but I can't remember it right now. Anyway, all procedures I was asking you to pray for can be done while I'm under!! Praise the Lord! That helps my anxiety level going into this surgery SO much!

This morning, when I was doing my quiet time, I was reading through the passage that tells of when Jesus brought a girl who was dead, back to life. She was only sleeping. I'm doing a 90 days with Jesus study from Beth Moore and learning a lot. So today was about desperation for Jesus. She asked the question if I knew someone who was or was myself desperate for Jesus. UH YEAH! I can't fight this battle, climb this mountain, or anything else without Him. I'm learning that in a whole new way. I just loved her ending statement talking about Jesus ...
"He is there for the desperate. He specializes in the hopeless. Every time you think of those who are suffering, think of Jesus, who knows the path through dire need."

Pretty cool huh? Now, I don't look at my battle right now as suffering. In a month ... I might. Each day is different. But I DO know & have seen with my own eyes that Jesus knows the path through dire need. I've called out to Him several times, asking Him for help to swallow pills, keep them down, help me gain weight, help me through radiation treatments, help me through labwork, help me through the port procedure, & even help me drink an ensure drink when it tastes over the top sweet.

I just wanted to share how God was working with me lately. He is & I know He will continue. Through your prayers, power has been released. So don't stop! I haven't & won't.

Be blessed!!

Thank You!

I just wanted to thank everyone for their prayers. I have so many of you remind me of how you are lifting me up and it's very encouraging. Here's what's been going on lately.

My swallowing is without pain (Thank You Jesus!) now, so I can eat easily, just not the normal portion size I did previously. I'd love to tell you I've been eating anything and everything I want, but that hasn't happened yet. In addition to feeling full pretty quickly because I've been eating half the amount I did before, lately everything has been tasting like salt. Momma made some biscuits and gravy the other day and the salt has just stuck with me, for some reason. All day I felt like I had swallowed a salt tablet on an empty stomach. I only did that once while we were staying at the Fisher House. Never again. I was miserable. Talk about a tummy ache! Anyway, since eating that, it hasn't mattered what I eat and sometimes even drink. I just taste salt. I had a green grape today, thinking fresh fruit would be nice ... but the dang grape tasted like salt! Ugh! Oh well, at least I can eat! I was having the problem of anything sweet would taste SUPER sweet and anything salty would taste SUPER salty. So taking pills with strawberry shortcake ... pretty hard. I'm trying hard to gain weight to get ready for chemo, but it's hard. I know, I know ... lots of you are saying, "man, I wish I had a hard time gaining weight."

Sleeping is difficult at night only because the people that live above us sound like a herd of buffalo. I'm not kidding. They must be playing that dance game on the Wii. Last night was the first night in a long time that I slept in the same bed as Andrew. I've been sleeping on the couch sort of propped up, since I was coughing a lot. Not anymore! Yay :o)

Right now, my Momma is back in FL for 2 weeks. She has lots to get done and lots of love to give her boys and the rest of the family down there. She told me my oldest nephew Waylon was so excited to see her that he raised his hands and yelled "Nana!" at the sight of her. Wish I could've seen it.

While my Mom is away, Andrew's Mom is here to help me. I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law, so having her with me is a blessing. A BIG blessing! Others in his family are coming in soon.

I'm trying to get back into doing things on my own, so this morning, I got up before Jonathan's dr appt so I could grab him out of the crib. I had Andrew help me because I can only hold him for maybe a minute. He's so stinkin' heavy! 23 lbs. is feeling pretty heavy these days. It's annoying because I want to love on him, but have to sit and then he wants to get down and play. So I woke him up this morning and brought him into the kitchen to get his breakfast (oatmeal) ready. For a split second, everything felt back to normal again. Like I wasn't fighting cancer. But, I was quickly snapped back into reality when I tried to refill the Brita with cold water. The cold water gave off an odor that to me, smelled just like radiation. Now my radiologist would say, "Oh, it's psychological" but from now on, I'll let someone else refill that thing.

On Friday evening, I was thinking of Good Friday and thanking Jesus for his death on the cross for me. But then I got to thinking, this year, I'm thankful for a little more. I'm thankful for the struggle he had in the Garden before he was arrested. I'm grateful for that because in that moment he showed the conflict he was challenged with and how even he wrestled with obeying in faith and not wanting to go forward. I had those feelings almost every Monday, with radiation. I have those feelings now, with chemo. I'm pretty scared of what's to come. I don't know the terrain of this mountain ahead. I don't know how hard the battle will be. But I DO KNOW Jesus hasn't left my side from the beginning until now, and it's not like him to walk away now. I KNOW that just as Isaiah 41:13 says, He will hold my right hand. I need to reclaim my verse from my Team Lindsey shirt and fear NO bad news because I am firmly fixed on trusting the Lord. I feel like singing that song that goes "He's still workin' on me ..." Learned that one when I was a little girl. I'm a work in progress and I pray it never ends!

So there's an update for now. In case I don't write until next week, I have a surgery on Monday. This will be to remove or replace the shunt I have in my brain. There is a shunt that can be turned with a magnetic dial and I'm hoping they put that one back in. That way if this ever happens again, instead of drilling into my brain, they can turn the dial and I'll get relief that way. Another thing y'all can be praying earnestly with me for is that two other procedures can be done while I'm under. My port may need to be replaced with a different kind, so I'd like them to do it then. The first and only port procedure I had earlier was pretty painful and I really don't want to do that over again. The second procedure would be the spinal tap. During my last surgery a spinal tap was done and you all might know how completely terrified I am of this procedure. I've heard to many horror stories about them.

So there ya go, pray that during my surgery, those other procedures can be done so I won't feel them. Oh and that Andrew can reach the oncologist at NIH to find out exactly what port I need to have ... the one I have now, or a different one. After the surgery, I'll be in the hospital recovering for however many days the surgeon tells me.

Thank you again for all the prayers. With God and those prayers, I have been able to get through each day, take my pills, and just live life. Thought I was gunna say just do it huh?

Oncologist Appointment

I'm going to let y'all in on my mom's account of our overwhelming appointment with the oncologist. I don't remember hardly any of it.

On Wednesday, we had a very stressful appointment with our oncologist. It seems as though the course of action has changed. I have never been hit so hard as I was yesterday. Even with the whole onset of this trial from the beginning, yesterday was most difficult. I've worked so hard to stay on top of things with appts. treatments, changes, re-scheduling to have things with no conflicts, staying read up on information given to me from the Dr's. researching on the internet,etc... and then they switched gears on us! As if it was a completely different language. I can't even go in to all of it because it was just that overwhelming. I had to leave the office for a minute to get myself together from crying so hard. I hated crying in front of Lindsey, but the treatments and side effects the Dr. was telling us was so painful to listen to. This would be the first case of this type tumor as an adult using this treatment of Chemo. So....that means they have nothing to go on! They want to hospitalize her for 4 months with treatments every 21 days. Giving her a slam dose that even 30% of people don't make it through the treatment because of the toxicity! Throwing up as soon as 10-12 hours after the first dose given. The port that they have already put in would have to be removed, because they wouldn't be able to use it for this treatment. As I said earlier, I won't even go in to all the details of the side effects. Needless to say, Lindsey was petrified as was this Momma! Somewhere along the line they have changed Chemo - Oncologist Dr's. on us. As of tomorrow - Friday - she will have only 12 more radiation treatments. Then we have to wait and have MRI on spine, brain and belly. Upon results of the MRI's we go to see Dr. Fine which is the Dr. at NIH (National Institute of Health) that is over Lindsey's case. This whole plan above for the Chemo is NOT what Dr. Fine recommended. And we are not going to proceed with the above plans. We have an appointment with Dr. Fine after all the radiation is completed and repeat MRI's have been made and viewed to find out where the switch in Dr.s came in to place and how things have gotten changed. Please pray for us to have CLEAR direction from the Greatest Physician of all - The Lord Jesus.

So that's all for now. Still taking one day at a time. Swallowing food is becoming a little more difficult each day. Not because of pain, but because anything in my mouth other than liquid makes me want to get sick. Taking my vitamins at each meal is very challenging. But ... God has helped me through each meal, whatever it may be and however long it may take, I'm glad I don't have a feeding tube! God is so good and helps me every time! I do pray between every single pill, "Lord help me" just like Peter, in the Bible.

Counting My Blessings

The Lord has brought me through another week. I'm looking forward to going to church in the morning.

This past Monday was rough. It was my first Monday at radiation after a weekend off. It was challenging. I had to put my "Just Do It" attitude on and get it over with. Every Thursday, I begin to get used to the masks and can tolerate the radiation treatment a little better. This time, I was excited to see a Wednesday. I'm learning every week day is a stepping stone to a little break. One of my side effects that I've had for a little while has become stronger. My throat has been dry, but now I have pain in my ears when I swallow and yawn. Especially when I yawn. I've tried different things to try to cut my yawns short, if that makes sense. Chewing come seems to help, and holding my nose and then blowing out. The pain doesn't last as long.

My nausea is still present. I've been taking zofran a lot. I had a dream my doctor limited me. So glad it was a dream. It helps a little bit. The nausea has really messed with my appetite. I rarely feel like eating at all. Mom is really good at gently reminding me I HAVE to eat. I just try to remind myself of a feeding tube and how much I don't want that.

A new side effect that came last night was hair loss. I was taking my shower and washing my hair and noticed my hand was pretty full of hair that had come out. I'm so glad my hair is short. I would have freak out if I saw long strands coming out. Thank you Andrew for letting me buzz it. Now I'm not going to say it wasn't hard to see my hair fall out, because it was. I cried a little bit. Mom helped me come out a lot after I was done drying off. Once again, she was my rock to lean on. So right now, I look a little patchy, with less hair on the sides. I'm a little nervous about going to church tomorrow without a hat. My head is sort of sore, so I'm not wanting to wear a wig yet. There is a wig store in town that we're going to go by during the week to look at head scarfs. A head scarf should be much more gentle for now.

So that's my update for side effects. I titled this entry counting my blessings. Even though I'm feeling rough most of the time and I really do feel like I'm taking it minute by minute instead of day by day, I know the Great Physician is watching over me, I have great at-home nurses, and I'm blessed to finally have the stability of being in the apartment and unpacking to make it our home. God is good!

It's been a while

Last week was pretty challenging. Radiation seemed to go on and on. I sort of figured out a way to distract myself to get through the smell of the radiation when it's scanning my head. I go through the alphabet in sign language on both hands however many times it takes.

The reason why it was so difficult at first was because my nausea was pretty bad that day. I've always been afraid of getting sick on the table because I'm pinned to the table and can't move, so I'm afraid of choking. So that day I just cried afterwards because I couldn't see how it would be possible to make it through 3 minutes of a head scan if I had trouble making it through 30 seconds - 1 minute. I was very discouraged. My dr. told me to double up on my zofran and ativan.

The next discouraging moment was Wednesday. Normally, I have 3 scans then treatment (radiation). I usually count my scans so I know when I'm about 1/2 way through. That day, for some reason I was crooked and they had to do more scans to make sure I was lined up correctly. This time, it wasn't the nausea that bothered me, it was being on the table longer. My tailbone was hurting pretty bad. It's weird because sometimes the masks are super tight, and sometimes they're not. I have to constantly remind myself to relax my shoulders and every other muscle in my body to just get through it. I didn't cry until I was out of the office and just told Mom "I feel like this week is never going to end!" She is a huge support and just held me. :)

Every Wednesday, after radiation, I meet with the radiologist oncologist and a nurse to just go through how I've been feeling the past week. This coming week, I'll fill them in on how my throat is now hurting an eating is a little painful when I swallow. He told me they have "magic mouthwash" that isn't that great, so I went and bought cepacol tablets hoping for relief that way. I told the dr. they should rename that stuff too, if it's not "magic!" Another thing is I told the dr. about my increased nausea, even at home. He told me is was psychological. If you have questions about that, ask my Mom, I can't remember how he explained it. I just remember leaving thinking "This IS NOT all in my head, I KNOW I almost threw up! I KNOW what I'm feeling!"

Last week I also went to the eye doctor. That appt. went well. I was given a prescription for new lenses. My old ones make everything pretty blurry. My eyes still flutter every now and then. But as Dr. Fine said, with time this should all improve.

I also had bloodwork through my port for the 1st time. I was pretty nervous. The nurse told me to hold my breath, and I was thought "oh man, this is gunna hurt if she's telling me to hold my breath already!" Then she poked the needle in, flushed the port, and then took blood. The flushing of the port was my biggest fear. My veins are so small that I remember each time they flushed them from IVs, they would clog and it was painful to unclog them. That nurse said since we're using such a big vein, (jugular) that shouldn't happen. I was so thankful when I couldn't feel it when she flushed it. God is good!!

So that was pretty much my week. I was very grateful for the weekend this time. I'm already looking forward to the next one.

Ways to pray:
That my sign language distraction will continue to be an effective way of distracting myself.

Miracle: That I'll fall asleep during the whole treatment. Since I'm taking 2 ativan, it's possible but it hasn't happened yet. Kind of hard when you feel yourself pinned to the table.

Our household goods are on their way. We should have lots of boxes in the apartment around the 7th or 8th.

Thankful ...

I talked with my mom this morning a little about this, but I want to share it with y'all too. Just to let you know what a blessing of a mother I have.

If my mom wasn't here, my healing wouldn't be where it is today. I would constantly be stressed over what building I need to be in, at what time, and stuff like that. When she calls a shuttle, she tells them she needs a ride from bldg whatever to the next bldg. I guess since she does it all the time, it's easier for her to remember. This short term memory loss really makes things difficult.

It's really nice to know that Jonathan has someone that loves him to take care of him. Eventually, he'll have to go to daycare and man am I dreading that day! But Mom says she'll be here until I'm done with treatment. She is so good to me.

Now to my sweet husband!! What a blessing he is to me! I'm so thankful for the man God has given me. Andrew Michael is the coolest provision from the Lord. He's a great Daddy and a wonderful help mate. He's been my rock through all of this and has let me squeeze his hand so many time.

And how could I forget Matthew & Erin Martin!! What great friends they have been to us! Matt has been here, at the Fisher House to pick us up for appointments and take us to and from the hospital, to McDonald's and even brought a smoothie back from Smoothie King. He took us grocery shopping one day too. Erin has been a blessing in being emotional support as a woman and just being present as a friend. Thank you guys! You are the best!

Okay, that's all for now. Thanks for letting me brag on my four special people!!

Radiation Treatment Day 1

Today I had my first radiation treatment, at 11:00. The night before, I had a little difficulty going to sleep, but not too much. I wasn't too worried about the procedure itself. I woke up with my stomach in knots and I guess my subconscious was nervous.

We made it to the radiology area at the base hospital and they took me back pretty quickly. I changed into a gown, kept my fuzzy warm socks on, and hopped up on the hard, cold table. I remember one of the first questions the nurse asked me was what type of music I liked to listen to. I'm allowed to bring my own music in, so I'll have to make a radiation CD or something. I was surprised by the music request, but later found that I couldn't hear it over the machine.

I didn't know how loud the machine would be. I have been trying to work on my sound and light sensitivity by not wearing them as often, so I left both at home today. Bad idea. Tomorrow, I'll be taking my ear plugs in with me. Maybe I'll be able to take a quick nap. I just prayed through it all today.

The masks were pretty tight. They were soft and warm when we made them, but today they were hard like a plastic hockey mask from Walmart, at Halloween. Big difference. Remember, there was a hole at the eyes and by the nose so I can breathe. I asked for prayer for my nose not to be stuffed up because it makes it hard to breathe like that. Anyway, the masks were much tighter than I anticipated. The nurses had a hard time clamping the pelvis one to the table, so I feel like tight isn't an accurate description. Let's just say my tailbone was very sore from being pinned to the table for so long. There's nothing I can do about that. Just pray through it. I didn't sneeze through any of the treatment, which was good. That would have been gross being that I couldn't move. The treatment today was 45 minutes long since they had to make sure I was lined up correctly and all. The future treatments should be about 20 minutes. The actual radiation is only 9 minutes.

After the treatment, a friend of ours, Matt Martin, took us to McDonalds. I ordered a cheeseburger kids meal and it felt like a large value meal. I didn't think I'd be able to eat it all. But with the Lord's help, I was able to eat it all. I was pretty tired too.

After lunch,j I took a nap. Jonathan had just gone down for his nap so I figured I'd give Mom and break and go down too. I was beginning to feel nauseous from the smell of radiation. I learned to hold my breath when the radiation came to my front/face and then breathe when it was on my back. I don't even know how to explain it, but I can still smell that odor that came just from the radiation treatment. Ugh ... not talking about it anymore. Sorry :(

The nap helped, but then I woke up with a headache. I figured that was from not enough water. I'm supposed to be drinking lots of water during treatment and I know I haven't had enough today. I took tylenol to help anyway.

I played on the floor with Jonathan for a while, then realized I should probably try to eat something for dinner. Mom made me Ramen noodle soup. We grew up calling it baby doll hair soup. :) But I had almost a full pack. I got full pretty quick and couldn't eat it all.

So all in all, the Lord brought me through another day. Today I felt nauseous and not really wanting to eat, but I think the tough stuff is ahead. I still prayed for no/minimal side effects and I'm trusting the promise that God will not give me more than I can handle with all this. I think my level has gone up because I certainly didn't think I could handle this much! Lord have mercy!

1 down, 29 to go. Earlier today, I put on facebook status that it was a "Just Do It" day. Well, I just did it. Tomorrow, we'll do it again. I think I'm going to be thankful for weekends, for a break from appointments. Don't mean to complain, but it will be nice to not have those for a couple of days. God has convicted me to be thankful for this not being more challenging. I think of Randy Youngblood and how he is going through chemo and radiation therapy at the same time! If you think of it, lift him up! Actually ... do it right now.

Update on Andrew: he's made it to AZ safely (thank you for praying!) and the movers came today. They'll finish up tomorrow. We should have our household goods no later than March 8.

God has continued to provide in many ways and we're continuing to thank Him for mountain He has set before us. I hope you all were able to see my wall of love. Mom put up all of my cards that I've received from you all. It's encouraging to look at that once in a while and just know that I have lots of fellow believers lifting me up before the Lord.

Thank you all for your encouragement, love, and support through this trial. We're gonna make it through!!

New Things To Pray For ...

Hey y'all! How'd the weekend go for ya? Mine went pretty good. Each day is a little better with the recovery of having the port put in. I'm able to put on a shirt by myself. It takes a little while, but it gets done.

Radiation begins Tuesday at 11:00. I have a cold right now, so please pray that I will not be stuffed up when I go in. The mask only has holes to breathe around the nose. My mouth is covered. Also pray I don't sneeze during the radiation process too.

Something my mom reminded me of today was about the side effects of radiation and how to pray about that. She reminded me of the scripture that says you have not because you ask not. So that being said, we're praying for NO side effects from radiation. Only having to go to the bathroom a lot because I'll be drinking so much water.

We have a friend who has had very minimal side effects, so we've seen it happen! We've already got the aloe vera for my head and are prepared for hair loss.

This is a little off the subject of cancer, radiation, and all that, but the movers from the Army will be at our house in AZ on Tuesday to pack everything up. Andrew is there to sign off on everything and will be driving back later next week. Pray that everything he needs to get done at Ft. Huachuca will be done quickly and in the right way. Also pray that our goods will make it to DC sooner than later. Mom will need a bed to sleep on! We'll have a blow up mattress, but those aren't very comfy!

I think that's all for now. I'll let you know how I'm feeling on Wednesday. God can do great things! He's brought me this far!

Chief Neuro Oncologist Contd.

Some of the typical side effects of this radiation include...
Sore Throat Low Blood Count
Diarrhea Loss of appetite
There's a much longer list of other side effects, but as Randy Youngblood said, "We'll let God determine our side effect list."
I need to eat well, a high calorie diet, which means I'll probably talk with a dietician and not just eat icecream and twinkies all the time.
So after my 6 weeks of radiation, I'll take a 3 week break and then repeat an MRI on the brain, spine, and belly area to see how I tolerated radiation and any progress made. They're doing the belly since the shunt comes from the brain and empties out in the abdomen. They are wanting to make sure there are no cancer cells growing in the abdomen area. Somewhere in the near future, I will have the shunt tied off so it can't empty anything else.
I had asked him about how it will affect fertility and he said I have a very good chance of having a baby after all this is over. He just told me and Andrew to watch it and not get pregnant in the next year since radiation can cause more birth defects. I had mentioned that if I became pregnant during treatment that I wanted to stop with radiation and chemo. It's not an option for me to put my baby at risk of not living.
I asked Dr. Fine if a bone marrow transplant was in store. Right now it's not an option, but would be if the tumor returned later on in life.
Overalll, Dr. Fine feels that I'll tolerate the treatment well because they have meds to help me through and diet help.
He thought would be a good idea to get a life alert bracelet to show my short term memory loss, codeine allergy, that I have a shunt in place.
We talked about how I could have issues with my thyroid later, like years later and that I'd most likely need to have hormone therapy later too. My short term memory loss should improve after treatment.
So radiation starts on Tuesday, so be praying. I knew this day was coming, but I'm still in a daze of I can't believe I'm getting ready to start treatment for cancer. I just need to put on my Just Do It shirt and get it going.

Chief Neuro Oncoologist

On Wednesday, Februahrry 15, we had a 5 hr appt. at NIH (National Institute of Health). We had to get there by 8:00 to go tough security and all. It was pretty tight.
We arrived close to 8:00 and were just a tad late for checking in upstairs. I met with a nurse practioner, Ms. Royce (sort of like Dr. Fine's "right arm") She talked through my medical records from the time I was born to current status. Then she did some tests for my eyes and neuro function. Next, another doctor came in to look at my eyes and said I was textbook. Meaning I was following the book on cases like mine. I didn't have anything new. He told me it should get better or back to normal within a year.
After a little bit of waiting, we went into a conference room to meet with Dr. Fine and Ms. Royce to discuss my plan of action for radiation and chemo.
Right away Dr. Fine encouraged me with how great of a job my surgeons, Dr. Davidson and Dr. Armonda had done. I didn't realize how difficult of a surgery it was with having a tumor directly in the middle of the brain and taking only little pieces at a time.
Often times, you have to have multiple surgeries to get the tumor out or there are complications because of the location. Because of God, that was not the case. I have come out with minimal side effects that appear to be self healing over time; and they were able to take almost everything out, tumor wise. Just the microscopic stuff left.
Instantly that puts me in a "better" group category because of the job they did. My health and age as an adult helps with that too. Because my tumor is seen more in children, babies and children aren't fully developed & the treatment is often worse than the disease and they opt to allow their child to pass on rather than put them through treatment and they die from not being able to fight that. So with adults, most development is complete and because of that, treatment is better tolerated in those who are past adolescence. That is the "better" group. There is a real chance of cure with adults.
Dr. Fine said I should be back to living a normal life around 6 months after treatment. He encouraged me with reminding me of all the medicine they have today to help you through radiation and chemo treatments.
Dr. Fine mentioned this kind of tumor requires chemo & cranial-spinal (head & spinal) radiation. Smaller cells could end up further into the brain, but so far, all of my scans have come back clear. He was very encouraged by those results.
His recommendation is to do radiation in small doses every week day for 6 wks. Lower dose, lower at a time, equals little damage. However, he wants to be aggressive now with starting radiation sooner than later. (Feb. 21)

The Making of a Mask

Today, I went to a radiology appointment to have my mask made and drawn on for how they need to line me up for radiation. Oh and I have one tattoo mark on my chest. I guess that's for lining up too. Sorry, I won't be showing that one off. It's just a little dot anyway.
My appointment was at 10:45, but I set my alarm to drink a lot.
So we made it to the hospital and I thought I was fine, until they called me back. I asked the nurse what the procedure was like since the doctors had not told me. She explained it, in detail. I cried. Not because of what was coming, but because of how much I didn't know. This was the first time for anything like this and I was afraid of the unknown.
Then the doctor came in and explained it in further detail. I cried again. This time because it hit me that I have cancer and I'm starting radiation and chemo. I don't know why it just hit me now. But it did. It was a surreal moment. The doctor did very well in explaining everything and being very understanding about my crazy emotions. He told me, think of it as getting a facial. They not only did a mask of my face, but also of my pelvis. I'll be having radiation from my head to just about my tailbone. They want to cover the spine. The masks were to make sure I was lined up for everything.
I went in and the nurse told me to take everything off but my underwear and put the gown on. She was great too. The room was pretty cold. Not as cold as the MRI suite. I didn't know just how cold it was yet. So I hopped on the table and my oncologist (Dr. Jones) was there. I wasn't expecting him to be there. I'm not sure why it was such a big deal, but it was. I asked him if he was staying for the whole thing and he said yes. Well then the nurse said I'd be exposed for some parts, meaning towel off my chest. Great! 3 people I don't really know get to see my chest like it's nothing. That was the least of my worries.
So I laid down on the piece of plastic that would be my bed for the next at least 30 minutes. They pulled the sheet off I was also told not to move my head, not to talk, and to keep my eyes closed. I did all of that, but could hear everything (clipping of mask, bed I was on going in and out of CT machine, etc) I later told Andrew that watching the original of Planet of the Apes before this procedure wasn't a good idea. My reasoning for that is because your mind wanders, or the devil used it against me.
So the head mask was finished and they did the pelvic one next. I was sort of thankful for that one because I was really shaking by then. It felt pretty good. I do remember feeling my stomach as I was breathing.
I did have one moment when the devil fed me a lie of if they started cutting on me or causing me pain, I'd have NO way out since I was in these hard cast things clamped to the bed.
I told him to leave me alone and he did. Now here's something I forgot to mention earlier. When I went in the CT machine for the first round of pictures I remember praying "Jesus help me, I need to feel you!" Almost immediately, a song was brought to my mind that I believe was an answer from above. I don't remember the name of the song, but I know the lyrics. It was from an elementary musical I helped out with in high school. Here are the words of the chorus...
I am with you wherever you go
I am with you you are never alone
I am with you my heart is your home
My child, I am with you
So there it is! My encouragement that got me through most of this experience. I'm not sure how long the whole process lasted. I really don't care anymore, now that it's over.
I remember crying after I sat up from having both masks removed. The nurse asked me why I was crying and I just told her I'm so glad that everything's over. She gave me a hug and helped me off the table. I was so glad to get into clothes since I was cold and that this big step was over.
I think I cried again when I saw Mom and Andrew in the waiting room. Happy tears of course. Like they were there to save me. lol.
A couple other cool things that God did today were help me with my sight and hearing. As most of you may know, I've been super sensitive to sound and light to the point of wearing sunglasses and earplugs almost all the time. So today, I didn't wear my sunglasses and have been without my earplugs for half a day! Yay God!!
Oh the other thing with my vision was I am able to look up!! With how the tumor was positioned and causing pressure on my eyes, I've had great difficulty looking up at all. I often had to ask whoever was talking with me to sit down so I could see them. Not today! I was able to look at the face of whoever was speaking to me! I remember thinking last night about it and how I wouldn't be able to drive with that challenge, or I wouldn't feel like it would be safe enough for Jonathan to be in a moving vehicle with me. Then I thought of how if this was a permanent challenge that we most likely couldn't add to our family because if I couldn't drive one around, how would I do it with any more? How would I get a lot of things done? Grocery shopping, taking him to school, going to the library, etc. It was a moment that was sort of sad but the Lord has healed me!! Jesus is my Healer!
So that's my story for today. Those are my blessings. It was an emotional roller coaster, but I'm closer to being better! Oh and my oncologist and one of my nurses from the mask thing were believers. Sometimes I feel like I need to draw the first half of the fish before I talk anyone and see if they'll draw the second half. :) It's so nice to know I am surrounded by brothers and sisters in Christ through this mountain.
Talk with y'all later!