Scan Results

Yesterday I only had one appointment, but after leaving, I felt as though I had spent all day at NIH seeing doctors and doing scans. Emotionally I'm exhausted. The appointment yesterday was to hear the final plan for chemo and what it all entailed. I still can't even type about it without having tears fall.

Dr. Wroblewski (doctor I'm not crazy about) was the one who presented ... again. The plan for my chemo regimen is the same as before (see the post from my Mom's point of view) but at a lower dose. Instead of being in the hospital for 4 months straight, it will be a 28 day regimen with the first 4 days in the hospital. Before starting chemo, if I decide to, I will have my stem cells harvested for later use if mine completely go down hill. It's a precaution that Dr. Fine (chief oncologist at NIH) was in favor of. Skipping ahead to this Friday ... I'll have the surgery to replace my current shunt with another one. Next Wednesday, I start shots 2-3 times a day that are supposed to help boost my stem cell growth in preparation for the stem cell harvest. They need 10-12 million. So there's something to pray for! So after all the harvest, the chemo process can start. Good news is I don't have to have the port changed out. A lot of stuff can be done through the one I have. However, they do have to put some sort of catheter in my neck for the stem cell harvest. I've asked what to expect pain wise on that procedure but I don't feel like she gave me a clear answer. Please pray I don't have to feel the same amount of pain that I did when the port was put in. That hurt really bad.

After hearing the final plan, I cried ... a lot. Part out of fear of what's coming. The other part of me was asking God how much more desperate do you want me? I feel like I'm at my limit. I know His Word says He'll never give us more than we can handle. I'm feeling pretty dang close! After a good cry on Mom's shoulder, kisses and hugs from Andrew, and a nap, I'm feeling confident that God is going to help me. I just want to get started and get this all done and over with. I wore my Just Do It shirt to my appointment today, but wanted to rip it off by the end. I didn't feel I was strong enough to take on one more thing. I didn't feel like I could do anything else. I was starting to feel very alone. I know I have my sweet husband and Mom, but I'm the one sitting in the bed, being stuck lots, losing my hair, dealing with other side effects, etc.

Today, I had a follow up appointment with the radiation oncologist. I told the nurse about everything I was feeling with nerves growing back and all that. Both she and the doctor said it's normal and that chemo will bring some new side effects, as well.

Even in this time where the future looks pretty scary and exhausting, God is still good. Right now, it's moment by moment that spiritual warfare is raging. It has to be, because I'm feeling it strong. One moment I feel like ... OK, let's do this. Get started and get it over with. Then the next moment I'm  crying tears of fear. Now I KNOW in my heart that Jesus will walk with me through each step of this trial too. He's not going anywhere. He's known this chemo plan the whole time and I need to rest in confidence that He's got my back the whole way.

Things to pray for this coming week ...
- Group therapy on Thursday - I'm not one to open up in front of groups of people I don't know, so please pray I will speak when I need to. I think we'll meet once a month. I know it will be good for me to be able to talk with and listen to others that are exactly where I'm at in so many ways.
- Surgery on Friday - pray that I'm feeling 100% so we can go on with the surgery. Any other delays will put off chemo and we don't want that. Also recovery. That I'll only be in the hospital for 2-3 days. 
- my nerves - I think I have white coat syndrome. I don't even like going to the hospital for Jonathan's appointments. I can feel my blood pressure go up as soon as we get in the parking garage. It's annoying. I really do appreciate those who work in the hospital and I'm thankful I have a place to go in emergency situations.

Okay, that's it for now. Next week I'll update everyone before we start growth factor shots and the stem cell harvest. My psychologist from radiation talked with me today and put me at ease about a lot that goes into that procedure. She said it's pretty boring, just sitting there for hours while the machine removes blood, takes what is needed, and then puts it back in the body.

Thank you for your encouragement in prayer. It is so nice to know how many people around the world are lifting me up. I need that when I'm feeling like I can't stand. You are all a part of my healing!