We just came home from the Whole Foods store. This was my first time being at a store that had a parking garage and you had to take an elevator to get into the store. Going to the store was a big challenge. I was dreading it because I knew I'd have to walk a lot and I wasn't sure if they had places to sit down anywhere. I get tired easily. I'm not even on chemo and radiation yet. Man I'm in for it. So anyway, Andrew said they had motorized buggy things, but the Norco was making me feel pretty dizzy, so that was the last thing I wanted. I probably would have run someone over anyway. I'm pretty thankful for sunglasses and earplugs right now. Thanks Jesus! Even though Andrew and everyone else has to talk louder, these things are such a blessing right now.
So we went to the Whole Foods store for tart cherry juice caplets, but they only had the juice. Here's a blessing, God not only provided the juice, but another brand cheaper!! So we were able to get more tart cherry juice, which helps with the almost unbearable pain that I was having in my legs earlier this week. I haven't taken advil for my legs in a couple days now, I think. I'm going to say it's because of the supplements and tart cherry juice. I'm not positive, but it's the only big change I've made in my diet or anything else lately. If you have inflammation pain and want to try something natural for it, find a whole foods store nearby and try this juice out!!
The reason why this trip to the store was so challenging was because all of the noise. I know it sounds petty but I've never noticed how very much is going on around me. Now that I think about it, the Lord gave me another blessing by Jonathan not fussing. Oh man, I think I would have cried out of being so overwhelmed. Okay, I'm about to use "overwhelmed" a lot because for the life of me, I cannot think of another word at the moment. Sorry guys.
So we walked into the area by the elevator, to get up into the store, and there were carts everywhere, blocking the entrance to the elevator. Mom had never been this kind of store either so we just looked at each other and didn't know what to do. Then the elevator opened up and a guy looked like he tried to walk out. We tried to help him by moving carts, but he was putting the carts inside the elevator to take them back up to the store. We were so confused! We probably looked like idiots.
We eventually got into the store ... all 4 of us. Andrew was frustrated that we hadn't gone up already. I told him, chill out, we didn't know what to do! He wasn't amused at all. Just annoyed. lol. Looking back, this is funny; but in the moment it was not fun at all. I guess I need to get used to stores like these, out here in DC?
We made it in and instantly the hustle and bustle, carts slamming, and just people all around made me want to cry. I have never been so in tune with what was going on around me. The norco made me pretty dizzy so I felt like throwing up too. Then Andrew started saying something about a moving cart and I thought someone was behind me and I needed to get out of the way. No, it was about the huvaround thing. I'm so glad I didn't use it. It was nice to hang on, no CLING on to the regular shopping cart during this experience. I'm not sure how many people gave me weird looks today. I eventually put on my sunglasses and had my hat off. The lights were so bright and I got hot and cold and hot and cold.
With the Lord's help, we made it through that store visit. I probably apologized to every 3rd person I walked by. I felt so in the way. I'm the type that when I go to the store, I'm in and out. I have a list, stick to it and get out.
I learned, through that trip to the store, that I'm not quite ready to go church shopping yet. I think I'd cry at worship, and not because I'm moved, but because I want to run away. Then I'd cry out of feeling guilty for running away from church. So, for now, and I'm not sure even how long, not forever; I'll be staying home. I'm glad I don't have to go to church to feel my Jesus. I have Him with me all day, every day. 24/7!!
I also learned that the gym, in Fisher house #17 is going to be hard too. They have weights and if someone bangs one against another, I might scream. This hypersensitivity is crazy but part of something. The norco I think. Maybe I'll just make sure not to take it before I go. Can you guys imagine me literally telling you about this? It'd be just like this blog. On and on and on and on. You'd probably tell me "be quiet!!!" half way through.
I've decided not to apologize for long posts anymore. Just prepare for them all to be long, okay? I really do try to keep it short and sweet. I don't know that I'm capable of a short post. It's okay. Everyone will be quick readers by the time they're done following me. :) I'm helping y'all!
Where was I? Ugh ... Dory moment!!! Bad one ... because I really can't remember what I wanted to put next. Ugh!!!!
Wait about 5 minutes .... seriously, it's that bad.
Got it! So I wasn't going to tell you all the next part, but after some wisdom from a friend, and I honestly don't remember who. Sorry I can't thank you. :( So I asked a friend about posting the next part she said "yes, that's part of being real with people" I have decided to do it and I'm not looking back. That's because Jesus did it too and I want to be like Him.
I had a very rough night a few nights ago. I think it was Friday night. It was my lowest point up until now and I know it won't be my last. I was having the what felt like unbearable pain in my legs and I felt like God had ignored every cry out to Him, like He didn't see a single tear, and that He had turned and walked away from me. It hurt so bad that I barely had it in me to cry or even whisper "Jesus help me!!!" I remember clinging to my mom with everything in me and crying to her asking her where is God right now? It brings tears to my eyes to think I said and thought these things. I know Jesus saw everything and was probably in tears with me.
So I was in excruciating pain, and I remember laying in my bed asking God to take me home. I wanted to go to Heaven so bad. I knew that He would provide any needs for Andrew, Jonathan, and my family when I was gone so I just prayed and prayed and prayed that He would take me. I really did feel like I was dieing because I was so exhausted, I felt like it was a lot of work just to let me chest rise and fall to breathe. I remember being a little scared to be alone, so I asked mom to stay with me and hold my hand. We cried together and I told her how homesick for heaven I was. I told her I just want to see Jesus! It's okay to let me go. I just want to go to Jesus! Mom just told me it was okay and that I was very tired. Exhaustion can make you say crazy things. I knew exactly what I was saying and meant every word. Looking back now, I hate that I talked to her like that because as a mother, that was probably the LAST thing she wanted to hear from her daughter. I hate that she has that now as a memory. Maybe she'll have a Dory moment and forget all about it. That's it! I'm praying for it!
So I finally fell asleep and mom was right. I was very tired and sleep heals in so many ways! I do remember waking up and my first thought was "Dangit! I'm still here! I wanted to see Jesus!" But then I thanked the Lord for giving me another day. I guess He's not done with me here.
So there it is. My lowest point. I wanted to die. I wasn't going to kill myself or anything. It's just like I said. I was homesick for heaven and my Heavenly Father. I still am. Not like before. But I do look forward to the day when I can see Jesus and give him a big hug and just thank Him for all He's done for me. He is so good!!
I'm only half way through this post. You might want to go get a drink or use the bathroom. lol. Sorry!
So after that low point, I've been able to see things a little differently. I'm no longer interested in signing a DNR or Assisted Directive. I'm thankful for each passing hour. I'm thankful for the air I breathe, the bad voice I sing with, the warm water in the shower, the sweaty sheets I wake up to, the hospital and even the spinal tap that I'll eventually have to have. Lord I hope I have a surgery between now and then so they can do it while I'm under. They said they can sedate me, but when they sedated me for the MRI I could still hear everything crystal clear, hence the earplugs then too. Sedation does just that ... makes you sleepy a little, but your senses still work. Oh how I dread that spinal tap. It makes me wanna cry just thinking about it. But the Bible says that God does not give us a spirit of fear but of a sound mind. So I will try not to be afraid. I don't wanna give the devil a foothold. Maybe he can give me a spirit of David or Joshua-like courage and boldness, then help me pass out when I see the needle. I'll have to remember that and tell the doctor or nurse to just do it if I pass out. Oh I hope I don't forget. I probably will. I'm such a pessimist sometimes.
Okay, so I told you about my wisdom from my friend and my challenging day. Oh my Aunt Sharon and Uncle Jerry should be here soon!!! I can't wait. I know they came to see me already, but I don't remember it at all. They are like a second set of parents to me and I love them so much. Mom is going to make a pineapple upside down cake. Uncle Jerry has it every year for his birthday. I wasn't able to call him this year because I was coming out of surgery and waking up. So I get to celebrate with him after all! I'm so excited for this weekend with them and that cake is going to be so good!!!
On the way home from the store this morning, Jonathan was super sleepy, but for the first time in a very long time, like tiny baby, he held my finger! I know that sounds trivial, but I haven't been able to pick him up with my weight restrictions and just love on him like usual. I've had him on my lap, but I have an incision on my stomach that is healing from a shunt and I'm super cautious of touching it. So Jonathan holding my finger was like him giving me a big hug. Oh I almost cried. I think I told Andrew and Mom about it 5 times just on the drive home. I was so excited. Andrew said "he doesn't do that for me!" That made it even more special. lol
Okay so I want to show you all a picture of what my shunt looks like. They had to put this is so my brain would drain the cerebral fluid correctly. Normally your body does this on its own, but mine was blocked. Not by the tumor, but blocked somehow. If you want to know more about my brain problems, ask my mom or Andrew. I can't help you in that department. Major Dory issues there! So here it is.
The long tube like thing is just that. It's a soft brownish tube that goes into my abdomen. I don't think mine is as long as this picture. When they took it out it didn't look that long. It feels funny coming out. Like they're pulling a spaghetti noodle or something like that. I've had a couple in. They took one out in WA and put one in here in DC. It's still in there. The goal is to get to where the shunt can be taken out completely. Not sure when that will be.
Okay, I think I'm done for now. I have some dr, appts next week, so I'll have updates in a few days. I'll be seeing the oncologist, radiologist, and gynecologist all next week. All 3 very important appts. Be praying as we talk with the doctors. That we'll remember the questions we want to ask. (We've started a list.)
Don't forget pray for a family here that we met. Not sure if I've told you about them. They're names are Ken, Bridget, Emily and JC. Ken, the dad is here for an inoperable tumor and only has a few weeks left to live. They are a Jesus believing family, but home-going to heaven is still hard no matter what. This family is no longer in this Fisher house with us. They moved to another one to have enough room for them to have beds. Just lift them up.
I hear Jonathan. That means he's up and ready to eat. Gotta go be a momma and feed my boy.
Talk with y'all later. Share a blessing with someone today! Send me a note too! I love to hear how God works.
See ya next time!
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